At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell
a highway it’s adopted?
~Zach Galifianakis~
```````````````````
Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are
comments purportedly made by
patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”
Source: Dave Barry, in the Miami Herald
`````````
My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”
“Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?”
“No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.”
```````
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”
``````
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
```````
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
`````````
When I stepped on the scale at
my doctor’s office, I was surprised
to see that I weighed 144 pounds.
“Why don’t you just take off
that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s
aide as she made a notation on
my chart.
A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
``````
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to
his thick glasses and begs for
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man
gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
```````
A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around.
“What are you doing?” asked the professor.
The student answered, “I’m looking for the other one.”
````````
Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood.
Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.
Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?
```````````
A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a
referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run over it.”
```````
Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor.
Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their
lawyers that you are responsible
for my patients’ deaths because
I couldn’t be reached.
Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician.
`````````
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”
Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
````````
After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
``````````
Good morning everyboomie.
WOW! I just got back from walking Missy at 7:30. It's still 95 degrees. UGH!
It's been a cruddy day anyway. It was overcast and a little rainy all morning and early afternoon. I took Missy to the park at 9:30 after grocery shopping. There was no breeze at all, and like 70% humidity.
Missy is always wanting to go outside, but when I let her out, she just sits on the porch staring at the door, waiting for me to come out.
She's such an optimist.
My son and his girlfriend are coming Sunday, so I'm having to clean things I don't normally clean this week.
Boy that shower felt good!
They're only staying one day.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Now I need a break. 
Hope work flies by, so your vacation can start soon. 
Wishing everyone a great day! 
A tendon or something snapped in my left hand yesterday...felt like my hand was on fire. Iced it and immobilized it...waiting for it to feel better.
