I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.
~Harry S Truman~
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Religious JokesFlood of Requests
If anyone needs an ark, I happen to Noah guy.
`````
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the
circumcision.”
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Sign In New-Agey Woodstock, New York:“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
`````
A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
`````
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response,
so she gave her students a hint:
“It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
`````
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
`````````
The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
`````
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A: A mechanic.
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“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
``````
Gary was having a yard sale.
A minister bought a lawn mower
but returned it a few days later,
complaining that it wouldn’t run.
“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you
have to curse at it to get it started.”
The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”
“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
```````
We were making leaflets for a
local church, and the client wanted
a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter,
I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
`````
When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
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Zen Koans for the Internet Age
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the
photos he hasn’t posted.
````````
Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
``````
If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular WebsitesI. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had
Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This
Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing
What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of
People Holier than You:
#7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False
Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
```````
Eve's Online Dating ProfileEve
Sex: Female
Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented,
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old
Location: Over by some ferns
Height: A tall vine
Weight: A bunch of sticks
Body Type: Only female type there is
Favorite music: Birds
Favorite movies: Birds
Favorite food: Birds
Hobbies: Being tempted, birds
Profession: Woman
Personality: VERY easily tempted
Turn-ons: Adam, birds
Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks
Looking for: The only other person in existence
From Science … For Her by Megan Amram (Scribner), copyright © 2014 by Megan Amram
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Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
```````
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you're all ready for church after reading the jokes.
I'm not kidding.
Saturday was pretty nice. We were blessed with a good shower in the morning, and another one in the afternoon.
The weatherman committed the cardinal sin though, and rolled back the rain chances for Monday. Now only 30%
I pray the temperature forecast will NOT change......unless by some miracle it goes down.
If that happens I won't walk, I'll dance on water.
I command you all to have a happy day.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope the forecast changes for Monday.
Hope you have a lot of fun with James, and that you get to sleep in first. 
This week really wore me out. I had a great voice lesson today, but I'm glad I finally have a day to relax on Sunday. 
Venus that's great you had a good voice lesson. 
Wishing everyone a relaxing Sunday! 
