I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.
~Gilda Radner
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A young boy enters the local barber shop where the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. I'll prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over, shows him his choices and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, as the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, he'll stop the offers!”
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Obviously, I was very upset but not too surprised when I saw flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I'm terribly sorry officer, I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time. "That's a shame" said the officer upon handing me my ticket. What time is your meeting? Two o'clock! The officer looked at his watch, you probably could still make it if you hurry up!
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Every morning a devoted religious woman, would open her front door and scream, "Praise the Lord". This annoyed her atheist neighbor who would counter back "There is no Lord". One day the atheist neighbor over heard his religious neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he bought her all sorts of groceries and then left them on her porch. Of course, the next morning the religious lady opens her door and screamed, "Praise the Lord". Noticing the groceries, she says "Who gave me this bounty of food". The laughing neighbor could barely get the words out screamed "It wasn't the Lord, it was me". Without missing a beat she screamed "Praise the Lord! For giving me this bounty of food and making the atheist pay for it".
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a murder case and had to camp. After a tasty meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night. Several hours later Holmes awoke "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that reveal to you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I forecast we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What else does it tell you?" Holmes was silent then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent right underneath our noses."
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A man goes to see the local wizard and says: "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?" "Maybe" says the wizard, "Only if you can remember the exact words of the curse." The man replies without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife!"
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Mary left her handbag behind in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping. A young mall boy found the handbag and returned it to her. Mary, checking the contents of her purse, reasoned "Hmm, that's strange", when I lost my bag, there was a twenty-dollar bill in and now, there are four fives! The boy piped up, "That's right, Miss" with a boyish charming smile. "The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward".
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 30 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy immediately drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you thinking? Sneakers will not help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to out run the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to out run you."
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Danny was a single man still living at home with his father and worked in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a huge fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary plain man," he said to her, "But in just a few months when my father dies and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman said I am a financial planner and asked for his business card. Three days later, the beautiful woman became his stepmother.
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Good morning everyboomie.
How is everyone on this fine Friday?
It's my one day off, and I have to clean house, do laundry, buy groceries, get the haircut, mow the yard, and there was something else......
.......I know there was one more thing I need to do...........
...OH YES!!!.......Relax and get some rest.
On that happy note, it is now midnight.......again.
We have got to stop meeting this way.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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Have a great Friday, everyone. 
Have an easy peasy day!
Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!
to hubby! Have a wonderful time at dinner tonight with family! May work fly and all go smoothly! Have a lovely day!
