We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
~Paula Poundstone~
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I overheard two EMT volunteers talking about the time they went to the aid of an elderly man. As one took down his information, the other opened his shirt to attach EKG cables.
"Any history of heart trouble?" asked the first volunteer.
"None," said the patient.
Looking at the telltale scars of bypass surgery, the second volunteer wasn't so sure. "In that case," he said, "do you remember when the lion attacked you?"
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Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
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I just met the coolest gynecologist. He's an O.B.G.B.Y.O.B.
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Mark Twain warned: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts:
"The patient is married but sexually active."
"When standing with eyes closed, he missed his right finger to his nose and has to search for it on the left side."
"She does indeed have a fear of frying and mental problems that she attributes to deep-fat fryers."
"The patient is a 53-year-old police officer who was found unconscious by his bicycle."
"Her father died from a heart attack at age 12."
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My husband went to the cardiologist after experiencing symptoms of a heart attack. "I had taken our cat to the vet," he told the nurse, "and while I was there, my chest got tight, and I had trouble breathing. Later, my left arm began aching."
The nurse was clearly concerned. "So," she asked, "how was the cat?"
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They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.
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My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and, upon seeing who her nurse's aide was, yelled, "What are you doing? You're the woman who helped me pick out interior paint colors!"
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When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
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It was time for my dog's annual checkup. Following the vet's instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
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When my insurance company refused to pay for my newborn son's circumcision, I got a letter explaining its logic. Under the procedure "Circumcision" was written "Unable to locate member."
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I'd just come home from my sixth medical appointment of the week with one more to go, so I was in a lousy mood when my daughter called. After I recited my woes, my daughter said, "Well, seven doctors is better than one coroner."
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My friend is a Botox junkie—she can't stop getting the injections. But surprisingly, when I reminded her to get her flu shot, she shuddered. "I hate needles," she said. I had a solution: "Just pretend it will make your arm look younger."
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Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.
"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.
"No," John whispered. "I quit."
"That"s good. When did you quit?"
"Around 9:30 this morning."
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After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?" My answer: "Birth control."
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A patient at my daughter’s medical clinic filled out a form. After Name and Address, the next question was "Nearest Relative." She wrote "Walking distance."
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
That must mean this is...
INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!! 
Or is that Independents day?
Oh well, have a fantastically independently happy day everyone.
Remember, after you light the firecracker, drop it and run.
Don't blow your fingers off.
joe
acebook
witter
Do you have any plans?
So, we went out to eat and saw Solo again, even though we'd already seen it. 
It was still a great movie. Tomorrow, I'm just going to relax and game, and hopefully get some practice in. 
It's going to be another super hot day today so will take it easy indoors! Coffee and tea are ready.
Wishing you all a fun day! 
