I want to thank you for taking time out of your day to come and witness my hanging.
~George W. Bush~
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
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My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
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Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
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Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
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When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
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What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
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My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
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Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
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I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
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Whatdya call a french man wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
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A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
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Good morning everyboomie.
It's FRIDAY!!!! Yeah Friday the 14th....WHEW! Close call, eh?
This morning I woke up with a really upset stomach.
I tried talking to it all morning to find out why it was so upset. Was it something I said, or something I did? But no, it just boiled and hissed at me, and rumbled much like an active volcano. Sheesh!
Probably something I ate.
We're two weeks into September. Getting into my favorite time of the year, Woo Hoo!
We're still getting up to the 90s for a couple of more weeks. Just at 90 or 91.
I can handle that okay, with the cooler mornings.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe