Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 09/28/12 05:05 AM
It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.
Isabel Colegate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things You Learn in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.
One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.
He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.
'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"
The Clerk of the Course said,
"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill.
Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.
Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."
The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.
The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
"What? And give $200 to a Swede? NEVER!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O.M.G., I'm rich!
I have:
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Pants
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A New Brunswicker, a Quebecer, and a Newfie were walking down the road together and they bumped into a lantern with a genie inside.
Out pops the genie and he says, "I will grant you one wish each. Who wants to go first?"
The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."
So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"
The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's bottom!"
The genie said, "Poof! There you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's bottom!"
The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next!
Genie, I want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the [blip] Englishmen out!"
Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn.
What do you want?"
The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall you just put around Quebec waterproof?"
Genie, "Yep!"
Newfie, "Filler up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Good morning everyboomie.
This is pretty much being dictated by a stiff neck, and a mind that is b-l-a-n-k.
The dictation is that I should use fewer d-a-s-h-e-s and cut it shorter, the sooner to get to bedder.
The blank refers to the big empty void inside my hoid .......er.............head.
Pardon but there is one tiny thought in there bouncing around "dashing" here and there, and that is;
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Isabel Colegate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things You Learn in Texas
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
DJeet? means "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
We don't need no stinking driver's Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.
The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.
The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.
He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."
The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.
The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!
He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."
The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.
The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."
The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.
One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.
He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor.
'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.. see?"
The Clerk of the Course said,
"Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."
So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,
"Don't forget the drill.
Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.
Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Swede was in a pub in Finland and a regular customer suggested to him:
"I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head."
The Swede thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure.
The Finn smashed the first bottle on the Swede's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
"So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Swede.
"What? And give $200 to a Swede? NEVER!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O.M.G., I'm rich!
I have:
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Pants
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth, now I can buy that gold-plated yacht and the Bentley.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A New Brunswicker, a Quebecer, and a Newfie were walking down the road together and they bumped into a lantern with a genie inside.
Out pops the genie and he says, "I will grant you one wish each. Who wants to go first?"
The New Brunswicker says, "Me, I want to go first."
So the genie replies, "Ok, what is your wish?"
The New Brunswicker said, "My wish is to have a 2-lane highway across New Brunswick, smooth as a baby's bottom!"
The genie said, "Poof! There you go. A highway as smooth as a baby's bottom!"
The Quebecer pipes up and says, "Well I am going next!
Genie, I want a 20-foot wall around the border of Quebec to keep all the [blip] Englishmen out!"
Genie, "Poof! There's your 20-foot wall. Now Newfie, it is your turn.
What do you want?"
The Newfie looks at the genie and asks, "Genie, is that wall you just put around Quebec waterproof?"
Genie, "Yep!"
Newfie, "Filler up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Good morning everyboomie.
This is pretty much being dictated by a stiff neck, and a mind that is b-l-a-n-k.
The dictation is that I should use fewer d-a-s-h-e-s and cut it shorter, the sooner to get to bedder.
The blank refers to the big empty void inside my hoid .......er.............head.
Pardon but there is one tiny thought in there bouncing around "dashing" here and there, and that is;
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
That's what it seems to do here. Have a lovely day!
Now how does that go...when the cats away, the mice can play...
