Posted By: gymcandy1
Whump Day - 10/03/12 12:51 AM
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)
AMEN brother!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied
the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the
family that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
. . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.
Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with
tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADULT TRUTHS
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again..
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies......Quit Laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning ever.e.one.
Come one come all
It's your breakfast meal call
Have some coffee and a roll
Go outside and shoot a mole
If you kill him, cook him good
Fresh meat with eggs is real fine food.
That's a real Okie meal right there.
It's best if you don't read this until after you've eaten your real breakfast, ok?
I want to thank someone for sending me the jokes........
.........so if you sent them......thank you!
I'll think of you at Christmas.
No gift, but I've always heard it's the thought that counts.
After all, I am NOT a thoughtless person, and to prove it, I think you should all have a happy day.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)
AMEN brother!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied
the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the
family that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
. . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.
Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with
tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ADULT TRUTHS
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again..
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies......Quit Laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning ever.e.one.
Come one come all
It's your breakfast meal call
Have some coffee and a roll
Go outside and shoot a mole
If you kill him, cook him good
Fresh meat with eggs is real fine food.
That's a real Okie meal right there.
It's best if you don't read this until after you've eaten your real breakfast, ok?
I want to thank someone for sending me the jokes........
.........so if you sent them......thank you!I'll think of you at Christmas.
No gift, but I've always heard it's the thought that counts.
After all, I am NOT a thoughtless person, and to prove it, I think you should all have a happy day.
Thanks for the chuckles Joe. 
I'll put the coffee on and then it's back to bed for me,enjoy the day everyone 
Cailyn, I hope you feel better quickly. 
That equals a lot of water concidering the lake size. 
With the possibility of six, that's right, six inches of wet white stuff. Mainly around the Canadian border.
It breaks my heart. She has a very sweet roommate. I did get to see my aunt (her sister) while I was there. I left there feeling very sad that I'm losing my Mom.
anyway.
