Posted By: gymcandy1
TGI Thursday - 10/11/12 12:46 AM
Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?
Clifford Stoll
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… Just as I thought. The rope is binding!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Of A Government Worker
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."
- Training is something spoken about but never seen.
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
- Change is the norm.
- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Life Were Like A Computer:
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning all of you computer afficionados, or should I say "users?".
Come one come all
Time to step up and have a ball
Or maybe a doughnut hole and coffee.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my work week.
More importantly it's the last day of the rest of my workweek.
You know that little turkey looks so good I could gobble him up.
I wonder what he's thinking.
He looks entirely too happy for this time of year.
He's probably thinking, "Boy I hope I'm the one the President pardons."
I know that's what I'm thinking when someone calls me a turkey.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Clifford Stoll
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… Just as I thought. The rope is binding!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life Of A Government Worker
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."
- Training is something spoken about but never seen.
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
- Change is the norm.
- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Life Were Like A Computer:
You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning all of you computer afficionados, or should I say "users?".
Come one come all
Time to step up and have a ball
Or maybe a doughnut hole and coffee.
Today is the first day, of the rest of my work week.
More importantly it's the last day of the rest of my workweek.
You know that little turkey looks so good I could gobble him up.
I wonder what he's thinking.
He looks entirely too happy for this time of year.
He's probably thinking, "Boy I hope I'm the one the President pardons."
I know that's what I'm thinking when someone calls me a turkey.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I'm so glad I can go get it myself and I'm not forced to ask for help. 
Joe, my heart breaks for Baby and you. 
I told my boss about it, and he was very understanding; said just to get there when I got there. 
Hugs 
