Posted By: gymcandy1
Sunday's Best - 10/21/12 06:02 AM
"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."
Jack Handey
~~~~~~~~~~
I wonder why they don't have an image of Jack Handy at Quote World.
I think he's very camra shy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I think that's enough lawyer jokes..........for one day.
Wouldn't want anyone to think I was picking on lawyers.
Let's see, what day is this? Oh yes, the day after yesterday.
Has it been a week already??
The best thing about today, I think, is that it's the day before tomorrow, and tomorrow, in case you don't know, is Monday.
I'm happy about that, I guess, because................ ................I have no idea why I’m happy about that.
Maybe it’s because I love the Turtles.
Because if I’m happy about it, then you’ll be happy about it, and then we’ll all be Happy Together.
I kill me.
Have a happy day together everyone.
joe
Jack Handey
~~~~~~~~~~
I wonder why they don't have an image of Jack Handy at Quote World.
I think he's very camra shy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I think that's enough lawyer jokes..........for one day.
Wouldn't want anyone to think I was picking on lawyers.
Let's see, what day is this? Oh yes, the day after yesterday.
Has it been a week already??
The best thing about today, I think, is that it's the day before tomorrow, and tomorrow, in case you don't know, is Monday.
I'm happy about that, I guess, because................ ................I have no idea why I’m happy about that.
Maybe it’s because I love the Turtles.
Because if I’m happy about it, then you’ll be happy about it, and then we’ll all be Happy Together.
I kill me.
Have a happy day together everyone.
joe