Two For Tuesday

Posted by: gymcandy1

Two For Tuesday - 12/17/12 10:58 PM

"The pure impulse of dynamic creation is formless; and being formless, the creation it gives rise to can assume any and every form." --

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your porch swing."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."


When devastating hurricanes struck the Gulf Coast, even houses of worship were not spared.

A local television station interviewed a New Orleans woman and asked how the loss of churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, I don’t know ‘bout all those other people, but we ain’t gone to Churches in years. We gets our chicken from Popeye’s.

The look on the interviewer’s face was priceless.

They live among us.

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

Good morning everyboomie.  welcome

Ham anyone?  grin12

I kill me!  rotfl12

Once more I'm at death's door.

That means in a few minutes I'll be in bed, and dead to the world.  sleep12

If I'm still like that in the morning just prop me up in the corner, put some cigars in one hand, and a cup in the other, and a smile on my face, and call me Kaw-Liga. 

Maybe I'll learn how to chip my own arrowheads. snicker

I didn't find a thing yesterday. I didn't have much time after a 2 hour meeting that took a big chunk out of the middle of my day.

Today I will probably do some serious digging. happydance12

If I have to dig half way to China just to find half a point, so be it. I plan on finding something one way or a nuther. wink12

Have a happy day everyone. 

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/17/12 11:21 PM

Joe, I am sending the arrowhead fairy your way and she will guide you. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. grin12

Not sure what the day will bring for me, but if I don't go back in the corner I will be hiking with the dogs and going to the club to work out.

Ana wave12
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/17/12 11:29 PM

Thanks Ana. I'll accept any help I can get. kissy12

I wonder where I can get an itty bitty shovel for her. grinch

I need to train Baby to sniff out the arrowheads and point at them. puppy

I hope you have an awesome day, and get in some quality doggie time. wink12

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/17/12 11:40 PM

I've done well in teaching my dogs to search for bones, maybe there is hope you can teach Baby to sniff out the heads. Stranger things have happened. lol12
Posted by: venus

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 04:12 AM

Hello and goodbye. wave12
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 04:34 AM

Good morning all santaStill rainy here with mild temps,so glad it's not snow happydance12Coffee is ready have a great day everyone winter
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 05:11 AM

Good morning all,no internet for 4 hours crazyand electricity too.
Back to normal and ready to make lunch santadance
Have all a nice day presents12
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 05:19 AM

wave12 Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and Cailyn. Good Luck hunting Joe. Ana hiking with the pups sounds like fun. Venus don't work to hard. Cailyn hope all is well with you. Happy day all! wave12

Glad things are back to normal for you Haroula. Enjoy lunch!
Posted by: connie

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 06:33 AM

Good morning everyone. I'm going shopping and to lunch with best friend today. presents12 The 2 boys left for Penn. around midnight. They will not be back until after the New Year. We will have a second Christmas celebration when they get home. Christmas Eve. hubby's brother and wife will be here from Atlanta. We will have a small get together here. Christmas day we will have family and friends here for dinner. I love the Holidays. happydance12
Posted by: GBC

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 06:39 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, good luck with the digging!

Ana, enjoy whatever plans come about.

Venus, have a good workday!

Cailyn, it's pouring out here also. Can you imagine if all this were snow?

Haroula, glad your piower is back on.

Gerry, have a great day!

Connie, traveling mercies wished for your boys.

To all who come in after me....Happy Day!
Posted by: Midge

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 07:24 AM

Good morning. I have a very busy day today and I have to get going so I'll just say have a great day. Pay it forward for someone. Exercise please.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 10:02 AM

wave12 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a great Tuesday and happy head hunting!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Rain, rain....more rain.

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 10:27 AM

Well it's one for the money, two for Tuesday, three to get ready, and HAVE A GREAT DAY! yay12

Good morning everybody. wave12

It's a beautiful morning here in the sunshine and heat and humidity state. grin12

Should be a great day for head hunting. penguin

I have to run to Walmart for supplies first. happydance12

I wish you all a perfect day. holidays

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 10:54 AM

Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

It was just a bit cool when I let the dogs out this morning. I can't believe Christmas is almost here. Must think about presents for the boys. We are going very very small this year. Also must think of what to cook. Time to browse the cook books. puppy
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 12:04 PM

Good morning boomies! I am off to run a few errands, my poor dogs are out of food and I have to get some before they notice. puppy

Then I will be heading out with the dogs. It was snowing huge flakes this morning but it stopped. I'm starting to wonder if this is Chicago! lol12

Catch you all in a bit!
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 01:13 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave12
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 01:32 PM

Just got inside and I've been out digging up a new home for 5 superman tomato plants -they're almost jumping out of their little planters. Digdigdig hoehoehoe rakerakerake and added rock phosphate and home made compost -mostly coffee grounds- now watering the area. Obvious I haven't done this kind of work for some years but it is certainly rewarding, especially in the hot sun -it might get to 80 today. So tomorrow I'll plant them.

Oblivion update: Started a new game and this time I'm a cat named Cleo and maybe he will be smarter than that Imperial. However I'll apportion gaming time better.

gosh Ana snowing there and 80 here.

Happy Tuesday all
Posted by: Gimli

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 02:46 PM

Good morning (or rather afternoon?) Boomies wave12

A big thank you to Ana, Joe, Nan, looney4labs and Lotus to pray and cross fingers for me. I'am sure we can find some more Boomies who like to walk cross fingered and cross toed (and yes Joe, cross eyed :D) till the end of January for me...

As I can read in the different posts here, there is a huge spread in temps throughout the States. Here in Switzerland it's wintertime almost everywhere. In the North of Switzerland, were I'am living,there is no snow but really cold weather. Day after tomorrow hubby and I will drive to Italy again and I heard that temps are in the 54 F there. No white Christmas in Italy.

Nan: may we take the Band with us again?

I wish all of you a happy day and a nice evening and I'am sending lots of love..

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 03:03 PM

Yankee, will those tomato plants survive if the weather turns cold?

I have decided today is Monday, so off to cook some books!
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 04:07 PM

Hi L4L -I bought 2 floating row things for the 5 outside plants. They are called N-Sulate. I know it's like abandoning my children, kinda attached to them. There are 8 in all so 3 are in pots in the house and 5 outside. This summer they will need a shade of sorts due to the sun. And then there's grasshoppers. Kits believe they have a wonderful outside litter box -got news for you kits
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 05:33 PM

wow I can finally sit and relax! lol12 Been one busy day here, but fun! Up and ran a couple errands and then home and got ready and went to our Christmas party.

They had great entertainment and wonderful food and prizes!!! Oh what fun!!

Hope everybody is having a lovely day!

Gail glad it is rain and not snow Or you could be buried. lol12 Hope the temps stay warm so it don't freeze like it did here.

Evelyne yes please do!! Take the Band with you so you and hubby have a safe travel!!

Ana have a fun run with the dogs!! No corner yet?? that can be good, I think!! headscratch

Yankee good luck with the tomatoes!!

wave12 Haroula, Cailyn, Gerry, Midge,Connie, venus, L4l, Space, Darlene have a lovely day!

Joe thanks for the laughs and Happy Hunting!!! Hope you find a really nice one....or two!!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 05:41 PM

Ahhh, back from a nice perambulation around the park. Son, his kids, my "kids", and I are just back. Son and the boys played Freeze Tag. Skywalker did not like it when we split up.

Now I am undoing all my hard work by drinking an Icee. I have have have to go get new walking shoes. Mine are forcing my foot to roll to the outside which I'm pretty sure is causing my back to hurt. Tossing them straight into the garbage so I won't be tempted to wear them again. puppy

The boys are explaining all about the Elf on the Shelf and his powers. rotfl12
Posted by: 3dobermans

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 07:08 PM

Afternoon; back from the store; took my elderly neighbor with me. He treated at Arbies, really like Arbies. He's 87 years young and always forgets his hearing aid so I'm almost shouting, then when I talk to anyone else it's with the raised Don't get me wrong, he's is a very nice man.
Winds have let up and sun out for a bit but now clouding up.
Happy, happy, happy, WWE on all week with specials. Doesn't anyone else watch WWE?

Off to ponder the rest of the day; to all a good day.
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 07:31 PM

Hey everybody, I'm home. happydance12

Hope you all had a great day. wink12

I found perhaps my nicest point ever today after a whole lot of digging. penguin

It looks like the kind of points I've been buying on Ebay. yay12

Are you ready to see it? rah

Here it is.................woot

Now I've gotta get tomorrow posted and get to bed. 5:00 start tomorrow. cool

Have a great night. thumbsup12

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 08:32 PM

Joe, I am so glad the fairy showed up to help you! Very nice! yay12

Nan, I am indeed back in the corner. I took off last week to get stuff ready for the holidays and my party. I am back to work now.

be back...
Posted by: Midge

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 10:04 PM

Hi gang. Home from a very busy day.Worked this morning, then home for a few minutes, then to my new PT guy, then to my chiropractor for a reevaluation, then, then home for a few, then back to work. Now I'm just relaxing until bedtime. Tomorrow I see my Mom. Been too long since my last visit. I've been told she fell today. I did talk with her and she said she's just sore. Nothing broken, thank God.

I hope you all had a good day. Ana don't work too hard in the corner. Trippy , no I don't watch WWE, sorry. L4L I know how hard it is to get a pair of shoes to feel comfortable. I still don't have a pair that I like. Here comes winter and still I haven't found a decent pair of shoes that I can keep on my feet for any length of time.

OK. I'm done. See you in the morning before my trip. Oh Nan are your band of Angels busy watching anybody else tomorrow? I sure could use them for my trip if they're not busy watching anybody else. Pleaseandthankyou.

Night all.

Midgie sleep12
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 10:30 PM

Time for bed...sleep well all sleep12
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Two For Tuesday - 12/18/12 11:55 PM

Midge yes, please do!! Prayers for the Band to keep you safe in your travels!! Have a lovely visit with your mom. Glad nothing broke when she fell. HUGS!!

Ana hope all is going well and moving right along for you!!

Well time here to turn out the lights and head for bed. Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!