Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Monday - 12/31/12 01:43 AM
One kernel is felt in a hogshead; one drop of water helps to swell the ocean; a spark of fire helps to give light to the world. None are too small, too feeble, too poor to be of service. Think of this and act.
Hannah More
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor's blunders On medical records
♦Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
♦On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
♦The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
♦The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
♦Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
♦Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
♦The patient refused autopsy.
♦The patient has no previous history of suicides.
♦Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
♦Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
♦Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
♦She is numb from her toes down.
♦While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
♦The skin was moist and dry.
♦Occasional, constant infrequent head aches.
♦Patient was alert and unresponsive.
♦Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
♦She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
♦I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
♦Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
♦The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
♦Skin: somewhat pale but present.
♦Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
♦Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
♦Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodbye Prayers
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy. God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "1 don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Monday Monday, WOO HOO!!
I'm glad my day off was so short, so I can get back to business.
The good news is, after today, I'll be on vacation until next year.
We have rain on the way. Actually by the time you're reading this it will probably be here.
If it weren't so cold, I would probably do the backstroke to work.
Still, we're staying above freezing, so I won't be able to cross country ski to work either.
Darn!!
I just can't win!
That typifies Monday.
I hope you all have a typically happy day.
joe
Hannah More
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor's blunders On medical records
♦Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
♦On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
♦The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
♦The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
♦Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
♦Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
♦The patient refused autopsy.
♦The patient has no previous history of suicides.
♦Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
♦Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
♦Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
♦She is numb from her toes down.
♦While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
♦The skin was moist and dry.
♦Occasional, constant infrequent head aches.
♦Patient was alert and unresponsive.
♦Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
♦She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
♦I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
♦Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
♦The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
♦Skin: somewhat pale but present.
♦Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
♦Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
♦Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodbye Prayers
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy. God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "1 don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Monday Monday, WOO HOO!!
I'm glad my day off was so short, so I can get back to business.
The good news is, after today, I'll be on vacation until next year.
We have rain on the way. Actually by the time you're reading this it will probably be here.
If it weren't so cold, I would probably do the backstroke to work.
Still, we're staying above freezing, so I won't be able to cross country ski to work either.
Darn!!I just can't win!
That typifies Monday.
I hope you all have a typically happy day.
joe
Oh ye of little faith. 
)
Joe,Ana,Venus and all who follow me in 
at the Casino,Joe happy day to you also 
It's cold 
here at 19 degrees.Coffee is piping hot and ready 
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and Cailyn. Hope your work day flies by! Ana Good Luck at the Casino! Venus sleep is good it will help you get better faster! Cailyn it's freezing here too and lots of snow! Happy New Year to all! 
So have to run before I'm late. 
and double 
Be sure to post pictures! 
