Tuesday's the Day After

Posted by: gymcandy1

Tuesday's the Day After - 01/07/13 07:45 PM

"If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!"
Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.

Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?" asked our jeweler.

"I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account."

"I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Date of Joke: Thursday, 20th January, 2005

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,,,,

"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Aging with a Smile

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Good morning everyboomie.  wave

Can you believe it's Tuesday already?

Where has this week gone? shocked

It's more like Friday for me. 

Gee I haven't been this excited since my siter moved to South America.  taz

Of course she came back, and they actually let her back in the country. I'm sure you can understand how thrilled I was that day. hardwall

I hope I don't ruin that wall with my head. lol

I still have a bump on my head and a stiff neck from the last time I did that. oops

I don't want to have to spend one of my days off in the chiropractor's office.  shame

Hey! What if we had Attipractors? 

You could go in to see one, and get an attitude adjustment.

I'd send my sister. She could really use it, and that would really help my attitude. rah

Have a happy day ever body.

Posted by: flutist

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/07/13 09:10 PM

Good morning Joe. Hey, wait a minute. It isn't Tuesday yet. Not for a little less then 4 hours.
sleep I'll be back tomorrow and say good morning. Meanwhile,

Nite all.

Posted by: LeBelleRachael

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/07/13 09:33 PM

Joe, have you been drinking?!?!? ......ahem!..........giggle! crazy
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/07/13 10:11 PM

Joe, I remember the day your sister came back and you were excited to see her. rotfl It's kind of like my daughter and I. We are like oil and vinegar to live together, but as soon as she moved out, we became best friends. hearts

Bets, have a great day.

LeBelle, that's just Joe. lol

Have a great day everyone! I am not sure what todayt will bring, but I am sure whatever it is, I will embrace it.

Ana wave
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 03:58 AM

Good morning Joe,Bets,LeBelle,Ana waveIt's pretty cold here 28 degrees shiverSo I'll keep the coffee hot with some cr.donut holes,blueberry pancakes,assorted muffins.Have a terrific Tuesday everyone,hi Gerry to you when you arrive winter
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 04:19 AM

winter Good Morning Joe, Bets, Ana, LeBelle and cailyn. Joe a day off coming for you! Ana sweet dreams. Bets see you later. LeBelle hello to you. Cailyn it's cold here this morning too. Wishing everyone a Great day! winter
Posted by: connie

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 07:54 AM

Good morning everyone. Gail, I'm glad you are feeling better. A trip to Lowes for a spesial lightbulb for the main bathroom light is on today's agenda. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, Blueberry Pancakes, Omelets, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. penguin
Posted by: flutist

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 09:41 AM

Well, now I can say Good Morning friends.

Went to bed last night and sat up and read for awhile. Winston crawled in my lap and went to sleep. He can be so sweet when he wants to.

Susie and Vince will be back late this afternoon. Have put a pot roast in the crock pot so they can eat dinner when they get here.

Well, I'm gonna go play something for a few minutes.

Everyone have a wonderful day.

Posted by: Darlene

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 10:01 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Friday is fab-u-lous!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies! Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later~
Posted by: niteowl07

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 11:03 AM

good morning , joe !

morning bets , ana , labelle , sue , gerry , connie , and darlene !

hope everyone has a wonderful day !

i'm off soon to run a couple of errands , and then i'm planning to get a little bit of gaming in.

nan , i'm with you - where , oh where is spring ?

Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 11:04 AM

Joe....this is it!! Make it through today and the prize is.....drum role please.......two days off!!! Thanks for the laughs and hope work flies!

Ana does that mean you were able to finish that puzzle?? WooHoo!! happydance Have fun what ever you find to do today!

Cailyn we were at 10 this morning. Thanks for the warm coffee!! Have a nice day!

Gerry have a nice walk and day!

Connie have fun shopping and hope they have what you are looking for! Thanks for the danish!

Gail HUGS!!

Bets prayers for the Band around them as they travel home. Can you really play a game for a couple minutes???? lol

Darlene may all go smoothly today! have a lovely day!!

No plans here....yet!!

Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 12:05 PM

Another cold day here in sunny San Diego. Was awakened at 6:15 by the sidewalk worker's and the machinery! I'm not complaining since I really am happy they are doing something but the city guy says they can't start work until 7am. Oh well, hope they finish before this weeks scheduled rain. It's been on and off for weeks now. Just enough to slow the progress.

And as for yesterday's promised BIG court appearances of 15 School District defendants (bribery, corruption, all that good stuff) from MY old school district, it was a flop. High priced lawyers went in, delayed from 9 am to 2 pm and then announced they 'needed more time to read documents before their clients could enter a plea of guilty or not guilty). We waited all day watching every news channel for that? Sigh. Now it's rescheduled for Jan 30. Bet they will find another reason to delay it all. BEST part though was when one of the worst offenders gave a brief statement to the new's cameras, "I am not worried, because I am innocent, and that was proven because I got re-elected to the school board". Huh? Since when does re-election mean you are innocent of a crime? I really wanted to reach into my TV and wipe the smirk off her face. Ugh! She's so not innocent and she was only re-elected because nobody around here keeps up with school business or reads the papers or watches the news. Voter turnout was terrible and she barely slid by in the vote. It will all be resolved sometime. All the indictments started way back in January of 2012. It's been a whole year of 'forgetting' what happened and who did what when. I'm praying that justice for once is not blind.

Off to walk and supervise the sidewalk workers. They are always happy to see me and my walker friend. Loads of fun.

Then off to the local park one block up to see how the 'homeless city' is progressing. They have now taken up the entire South side of the restroom building and have built a home of shopping carts with big blue tarps over them and a cozy 'bedding' underneath. As of this week NO ONE other than them is using the park at all. The kids are gone, the exercise group is gone, it's all too scary to walk over there. I'm really going to find somewhere to 'complain' to sometime this week. Gotta find those people a permanent home (or make them go to a shelter which is available). Bottles all over, hypodermic needles appearing up and down the block where kids walk, used condoms along the sidewalk, underwear, all manner of icky stuff building up. AND the mostest best part? They now have a pet pit bull! Dog is cute, homeless icky adults are not. One of them got arrested a few weeks back for stealing out of a car and beating up a shop owner when he interferred. Nice group. Ugh.

Ahhh the Apartments! Police again yesterday. 2 cars. Haven't seen our drunk lady in 2 days, and the drug dealer who walks up and down constantly and was taken away by ambulance a few days ago hasn't been seen either. Getting interesting.

So much to do, so little time. insane
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 01:06 PM

Good afternoon boomies! I've been a distracted kind of busy this morning. Not sure what I accomplished but I was moving along. lol

Evelyne says hi to all, she is back from Tuscany but suffering from a migraine. She sends her love.

be back...
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 02:28 PM

lol Sorta you need to write a book!! Would be a best seller too. lol

Ana thanks for the update on Evelyne!! Hope you are having a fun day!

Evelyne HUGS!! Prayers that the head is better soonest!!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 02:39 PM

Good afternoon fellow Boomies!

Son is home watching girlfriend's youngest. Then he slipped on the stairs, smacked his head, wrenched his chest again. I'm gonna wrap him in bubble wrap and stick him in the corner.

Is anyone a Wheel of Time fan? Lots of hype...last book in the series....folks have been waiting for years and years.

Talking to daughter for a sec. Then back to bed with me, I think. wave
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 03:12 PM

Made an appt. for a haircut this AM -it's been 2 months- I look like the shaggy dog. Tana, haircutter was going to call me because she thought something was wrong, no Tana, just broke and how. Lots of good times at Tana's House of Beauty.

We might have violent weather here like tornados and t'storms beginning this afternoon and lasting till tomorrow PM. As long as it stays warm -the older I get the more I dislike cold weather and me a yankee too.

Weather permitting I will transplant 1 outdoor tomato plant to a pot and keep it inside. The other outdoor plants are goners. I feel bad about it but sometimes you have a premonition -like when I planted them outside. However there will be 4 indoor plants which would do well this summer but then they have to dodge the grashoppers.

Right now Oblivion and Devil May Cry are caaallling -"We're over here". "I know". Oblivion, Cleo the Khajiit is ready to get Umbra, if he can find Clavicus Vile

Happy Tuesday, stay warm

Hi Lotun, how's the Finn
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 03:43 PM

Good afternoon Boomers.
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 04:17 PM

Yankee, shaggy dog was a cutie! wave

Hi ya Quest, whatcha up to?
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 04:32 PM

Hello everybody. I'm home. happydance

After work I went to Walmart to stock up on groceries. It's been raining all day here, so I'm staying in tonight, instead of going to Mom's. It's supposed to rain all day tomorrow too.

I have "stuff" I need to get done here tonight, and then I'll be able to get other "stuff" done the next two days. yes

HEY!!! I'm off for two whole days. WaaaaHOOO!! penguin

I haven't been this happy since I found out that my sister is sterile. woot

I'm going to get busy. Be back later.

I hope you're all having a great day. wink

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 04:46 PM

Joe Joe Joe rotfl
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 05:28 PM

OK Joe, You and I must get together and swap 'sister' stories. I'll bet mine is a match for yours, being as how she wanted to be an only child and did everything she could to me as a kid to get rid of me. Yup. I'm lucky I survived. rotfl
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 06:33 PM

Sorta, I think there are some untold stories there.
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 06:39 PM

New reality show...Sister Wars: A tale of two families. lol
Posted by: 3dobermans

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 06:53 PM

After 2+ inches of snow we had a sudden, rapid melt. I now live in Mud Flats....

I don't have a sister, just a SIL, who really a sweet person.
I've been getting hooked on a few reality shows like Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Ghost Hunters and now Amish Mafia. I think it's one of those, "I can neither confirm nor deny" types. I feel bad since they seem to portray the Amish as not being very intelligent. But got hooked and tomorrow night is the final.
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 06:59 PM

rotfl I think it would be a "most watched" show!!! Or a best seller book!!

Yankee sorry the outdoor tomatoes got too cold. May those indoors do well for you!! Happy gaming!!

L4l that was a good game if you were for AL!!! Poor son. Prayers that all will be OK!! Prayers too that you get feeling better soonest!! HUGS!

Daughter just here to pick up my big pile of newspapers for their fireplace!! Short but sweet visit!!

Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 07:54 PM

A Tale of Two Sisters..... grin

wink joe
Posted by: Midge

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 09:23 PM

Now I want to see that Joe. Hi guys. Home from work, thinking about tomorrow. I have an appointment at noon at the Boston Pain Clinic. Another appointment to talk to more doctors. I guess I'm a problem. We'll see. Nan can I borrow your BOA tomorrow? I have to travel and I'm not thrilled about it. Hi L4L, Ana, Trippykissy Sorta, and everyone in the diner today.

Just relaxing before I call it a day.

Night all.
Midgie sleep
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 09:27 PM

I'm already looking for the actors for the movie. I think someone like Joan Crawford would be great to play my evil sister. I like to affectionately call my sister my 'evil twin' (4 years older though) and I hope she never finds out! scared
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 09:42 PM

Absolutely Midge they are yours!!! Anytime. Prayers for the Band around you as you travel!! HUGS!

Sorta lol

Posted by: Midge

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 10:15 PM

Thank you Nan. kissy
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 11:03 PM

Ok, off to bed. Sleep well all sleep
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday's the Day After - 01/08/13 11:55 PM

Since the sun has gone to bed awhile ago I think it is time to follow!! lol

Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!