Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 01/11/13 01:33 AM
A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodbye To Mother
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How'd you want them?
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Since I have to be at work at Zero Dark Thirty I'm gonna make this short.
Have a happy day everyone.
Yeah not quite that short.
It's the day after yesterday, or the day before tomorrow. I can't dismember which.
All I know is that I need a haircut today so I can get rid of these fleas.
Maybe I'll just set off a Raid bomb in the oven and stick my head in it.
That'll teach me to drive around all day with my doggy in my lap.
I have to meet with my manager for a half hour today so he can tell me what is expected of me this year.
I'm sure it'll be the exact same as last year's review, except that he'll expect more productivity and less non-productivity.
I think I'll try and shake off a few of those fleas on him while I'm there.
Then I'll say, "THERE'S A FLEA ON YOU!" and toss him a ice pick to kill it.
Ya'll know I'm serious right?
{{{{KIDDING!!!!}}}} I'm kidding.
Seeya
joe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodbye To Mother
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How'd you want them?
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Since I have to be at work at Zero Dark Thirty I'm gonna make this short.
Have a happy day everyone.
Yeah not quite that short.
It's the day after yesterday, or the day before tomorrow. I can't dismember which.
All I know is that I need a haircut today so I can get rid of these fleas.
Maybe I'll just set off a Raid bomb in the oven and stick my head in it.
That'll teach me to drive around all day with my doggy in my lap.
I have to meet with my manager for a half hour today so he can tell me what is expected of me this year.
I'm sure it'll be the exact same as last year's review, except that he'll expect more productivity and less non-productivity.
I think I'll try and shake off a few of those fleas on him while I'm there.
Then I'll say, "THERE'S A FLEA ON YOU!" and toss him a ice pick to kill it.
Ya'll know I'm serious right?
{{{{KIDDING!!!!}}}} I'm kidding.
Seeya
joe
Hope your Friday is Fab-U-Lous!
It hasn't yet though. 