Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 01/25/13 04:22 AM
"The human brain is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's time to turn off the sound."
Pat Elphinstone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a letter from an Oklahoma mother to her son.
Dear Son:
I’m writing this slow, because I know you don’t read too fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved thirty miles away. I won’t be able to send you the address because that last family that lived here took the numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This new home has a washing machine. The first day I put four of your dad’s shirts in it and pulled the chain, and they started going around ok, but then they disappeared. I think I must find a new stopper for it. It only rained twice this week. The first time for four days, and the second time for three days.
The coat you wanted me to send you was too heavy, because of the heavy buttons on it, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pocket.
We got a bill from funeral home. It said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral, up she comes.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
About your sister. She had a baby this morning. I’m not sure yet if she had a boy or a girl, so I’m not sure if you are a aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.
Also your aunt Vita May is sick and near death’s door. We’re all praying the Doctors can pull her through.
Four of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The passenger inside could not get his window down so he drowned, and the two in the back drowned when they could not get the tailgate to open.
They tried cremation on them, but could not get them to burn. The funeral was closed casket of course.
Not much more news at this time. Nothing much happening around here. Write more often.
Love Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Shoplifter...
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like it's full of onions!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It’s good to see you all this morning.
Well it would be good to see you all if I weren’t working.
Did I say I loved my job?
I lied.
I like it though.
Yeah that’s a lie too.
I tolerate it though, with wild enthusiasm.
No that’s a lie too.
I tolerate it with MILD enthusiasm……………….honestly & that’s no lie.
Just talking about it makes me incredibly excited.
That’s a lie, but it does give me happy thoughts.
I’m sorry that’s a lie too.
It makes me nauseas .
I’d better go throw up and get to bed. I have an early day, and I'm blank now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Pat Elphinstone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a letter from an Oklahoma mother to her son.
Dear Son:
I’m writing this slow, because I know you don’t read too fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved thirty miles away. I won’t be able to send you the address because that last family that lived here took the numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This new home has a washing machine. The first day I put four of your dad’s shirts in it and pulled the chain, and they started going around ok, but then they disappeared. I think I must find a new stopper for it. It only rained twice this week. The first time for four days, and the second time for three days.
The coat you wanted me to send you was too heavy, because of the heavy buttons on it, so I cut the buttons off and put them in the pocket.
We got a bill from funeral home. It said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral, up she comes.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
About your sister. She had a baby this morning. I’m not sure yet if she had a boy or a girl, so I’m not sure if you are a aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him. He burned for three days.
Also your aunt Vita May is sick and near death’s door. We’re all praying the Doctors can pull her through.
Four of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The passenger inside could not get his window down so he drowned, and the two in the back drowned when they could not get the tailgate to open.
They tried cremation on them, but could not get them to burn. The funeral was closed casket of course.
Not much more news at this time. Nothing much happening around here. Write more often.
Love Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Shoplifter...
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.
"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either.
What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.
The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.
Can you show me something less expensive?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like it's full of onions!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It’s good to see you all this morning.
Well it would be good to see you all if I weren’t working.
Did I say I loved my job?
I lied.
I like it though.
Yeah that’s a lie too.
I tolerate it though, with wild enthusiasm.
No that’s a lie too.
I tolerate it with MILD enthusiasm……………….honestly & that’s no lie.
Just talking about it makes me incredibly excited.
That’s a lie, but it does give me happy thoughts.
I’m sorry that’s a lie too.
It makes me nauseas .
I’d better go throw up and get to bed. I have an early day, and I'm blank now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Unbelievable! Mind you areas around us have had 6+ inches but not officially in Chicago at O'Hare. In my lifetime I never recall such snowless winters. 
I'm glad you got out for a nice walk today. 
Must have evaporated before it hit the ground. 
We get snow and then the temp drops so you can't enjoy it.