Sunday's Best

Posted by: gymcandy1

Sunday's Best - 02/09/13 09:45 PM

Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends.
Czech Proverb

Doctor Notes

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts...

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Aging Humor

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief".

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Expanded Vocabulary

To increase your vocabulary with phrases you've heard but aren't quite sure how to use, read on...

"Cold turkey"

Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drug
addition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving
their skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.
Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications as
there are things to be addicted to.

Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned his
eye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats or
any other animals.

"Going Dutch"

Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the
17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been a
verbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered a
tightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchal
misogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up the
tab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we go
Dutch. She called me a cheapskate!

"Put a sock in it"

Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anything
less than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplification

Use it in a sentence:
Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me look
fat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orange
Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."

"Son of a gun"

a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be damned."
b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already pretty
tame: son of a [blip].

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (, the expression
originated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between the
cannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of a
gun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence:
a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?"
b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"

"For all intents and purposes"

Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for a
minute. What could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short but
really demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intents
and purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents and
purposes," which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passed
the "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.

"Big cheese"

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word
"cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency was
actually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, they
modified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as
"the big cheese" in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the big
cheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair and
shiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.

"Peeping Tom"

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailor
unlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. As
a result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the high
rise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all the
lights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.

"Beat around the bush"

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,
or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it means
not to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around bushes
hoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:
Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"
Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"

Good morning everyboomie. wave

{{{HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!}}} rah

Admit it. You thought about it for a second didn't you? snicker

For just a second you thought, "What did he put in his eggnog?" rotfl

Then you remembered it's February something, and you thought "What a goof." crazy



grin Smile, and have a happy day.


Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/09/13 10:40 PM

Joe, I hope you have a happy day too! I hope everyone is digging out and doing fine!

Ana wave
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 01:33 AM

Good morning boomers,have all a nice Sunday wave
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 04:11 AM

Good Morning Joe, Ana, Haroula and all on the way to the diner. Cailyn hope you are okay.We are still digging out Ana. It got down to the single digits last night and the wind chill made it feel like 20 below zero! Spent almost 3 hours yesterday getting the driveway cleared. Our deck has about 4 feet of snow on it! We won't be clearing that any time soon. There is a lot of snow on the roof that may pose a problem too. I'm just thankful we haven't lost power. Hope everyone enjoys their day!
Posted by: venus

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 05:28 AM

Hello and goodbye. wave
Posted by: GBC

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 06:51 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, thanks for the laughs this morning.

Ana, wishing you a great day whatever you have planned.

Haroula, good day to you.

Gerry, hope you get completely cleared out. Worried about our roof also and we're do for lots of rain tomorrow and tuesday which is going to cause a lot of flooding.

Venus, good morning!

Nan, birthday

Midge, are you all shoveled out?

Cailyn, most of the Cape is still out of power. Hope you're okay.

Too much snow to shovel. Had to get plowed out yesterday afternoon. All's well today. Car can now get out of the garage. All doors are open. Dogs can use a small area outside. Life is good! penguin
Posted by: connie

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 07:48 AM

Good morning everyone. birthday Nan. Cailyn, prayers you are OK. Breakfast out this morning after our walk. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Bacon, Eggs, Hash Browns, English Muffins, Danish, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. Birthday Cupcakes for Nan and the Diner gang in the NC. penguin
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 09:15 AM

Good morning everybody. wave

I am reluctantly out of bed. tired

I have to be at work at 12:00 today. razz

Until then........

I hope you all have a great day. rah

Happy Birthday again Nan. birthday

Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 09:31 AM

Loved the aging humor Joe. lol
Posted by: flutist

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 10:34 AM

Good morning y'all.

I made waffles with Cory under my feet and in my way. He does not like thunder. Rainy day but is supposed to quit by 2. Hope so. We are going over to friends for dinner tonight.

Keep warm all of you. 4 feet of snow, yuck.

Nan, are you in for it?

Gonna go play something so everyone have a nice day.

Posted by: SharonB

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 10:46 AM

Joe - lol rotfl

All the jokes were really funny but the medical humor really cracked me up! rotfl

Hello Gameboomers! wave

Had a nice day yesterday - shopped and my great niece and her boyfriend spent time with me and fixed a big lunch for us all. Really good day.

My great great niece, Brielle, is looking fabulous of course. Learning to roll all the way over now.

luck to all those affected by the snow. Counting my blessings that we in Delaware avoided that storm -- except for cold rain thumbsdown

Have a great Sunday! catrub
Posted by: thracia

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 11:40 AM

I work in a hospital, loved the Dr.'s notes. Some I have heard myself from patients: My goldbladder is bad, I had squeamish cell cancer on my nose, I have fireballs in my

Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 11:43 AM

Cold today. Low 40's but it's going to warm up as usual. Hate cold. Finally heard from my Aunt in Conn. She's fine. Snowed in since Thursday, but warm and dry and no power outages. Her neighbor plowed off her sidewalk (took him 2 hours with a snowblower). She said they got 2 1/2 feet of snow! I'm glad I live in Calif.

Today is the big Prime Rib for 7 bucks dinner at the anniversary celebration of one of San Diego's oldest restaurants. Gonna be a madhouse. I was going to go when the opened, but the friend who is going with us wants to go at 3 pm. Okie dokie. We will have to stand in line for a looooong time. I called yesterday and they were not taking reservations. The exact comment from the guy on the phone was, "It's a madhouse here, and we can't take anymore reservations". I'll bet. He sounded like he was about to run for cover. It's a ONE day only deal, and today is the day.

In any case, I'm prepared for no parking and a long wait for a 7 buck full prime rib dinner. It's their specialty and oh so awesome.

Off for a morning walk. Hope it's warming up a bit, if not my toes will be cold. STILL wearing sandals. I don't even know if 'real' shoes will go on my feet anymore. rotfl
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 11:46 AM

Super Sunday ya'll puppy

I got up and as I came down the stairs, a happy little voice chirped "Good morning!" Little Cully was up but didn't come down til he heard us. Per joined him a bit later and son is still sleeping....the kids must have kept him up all night.

Boys are supposed to go back to mom today but heard son last night telling the boys they could sleep with him tonight, so that means Monday return perhaps. <shrug>

My Keoki woke us both up last night shaking his head insanely, so will take him to the vet tomorrow. I don't see anything in there, but this is extreme headshaking. I need to buy an earlight thingy.

So glad you all still have your power on. Stay safe and warm.

Ana, how is your toe?
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 12:44 PM

Joe I just thought you were celebrating with the Chinese. lol Hope work flies and goes well. Thanks for those great laughs. Think I heard one ot two of them when working.

Ana I see you are getting the wet end of it while here it shall be white and a whole lot of it too. lol Not sure just where we will put it all though. Are you free from the corner??

Cailyn prayers that all is well there.

Gerry that is one major problem about the snow.....all the weight on the roof. I use to go up there and shovel it off as soon as i could. Have a lovely day and glad the power is on!

Haroula have a lovely day!

venus happy working. How was Christmas dinner???

Gail glad you got plowed out. Too funny about the dogs. I use to snowblow a large area in the yard for my dogs otherwise they would get lost in the snow. lol Sassy loves the snow and looks funny plowing thru it.

Connie enjoy breakfast out and have a nice walk. Me and Sassy walked and then I went for breakfast and brought her back some bacon. lol Thanks for the birthday cupcakes!!! Yummmmy!

Space have a lovely day!! Did you get rain or snow from that last storm??? We had snow and now we are getting more. lol

Bets I hope they are right so you won't get wet going to your friends for dinner. Yup we will maybe get a foot.

Sharon sounds like you had a very lovely day yesterday!! happydance Have a lovely day today!!

Thracia have a lovely day!! Great laughs from what people say!! lol

Sorta that sounds like a great deal, I'll be right there. lol Was going to be taken out for steak and shrimp but that aint happening here today. Good thing for "snow checks".

L4l have the boys spent a night in their new beds yet??? Poor Keoki. Good luck at the Vet!!

No plans but to sip my coffee with some irish creme and game all day!!!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 12:52 PM

EEK, just found out kids are staying til Tuesday. I do believe I will be spending some time in my room.
Posted by: niteowl07

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 01:24 PM

joe , love the med humor ! i too , have heard a few from being in the field "i found out why my eyes aren't good - i have cadillacs in them" was one that sticks out.

hope you all get shoveled out soon, and keep power.

Nan ,you amaze me ! i would not have been shoveling a roof even in my younger days ! but of course ,they have those rake things now. don't know if they are any good or not. sorry you have to delay dinner out.

l4l -eeek -hiding sounds like the thing ! best luck with keoki -that does sound strange...

to everyone else - have a wonderful day , and stay warm,dry ,and safe please !

Posted by: Midge

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 04:43 PM

Hi everyone. I got to work this morning but the drive was horrendous. The side roads weren't plowed very well and some roads weren't plowed at all. When I got there I parked my car in their driveway cause you can't park on the street. When I got out of my car I was trying to see if Mike and Barb were up but I didn't see any signs that they were even home. The front walkway and ramp were plowed in so I couldn't get in to see if they were OK. As I was shoveling out the front snow mound, a car pulled over and a man and woman got out. They said they were Dan's ( Mike and Barbara's son's neighbors). Well he got his shovel out and quickly shoveled a path to the door so we could get in.

Mike was getting dressed and Barbara was in bed, bundled up to here with blankets. They have no heat yet. They do have a wood stove in the kitchen and these wonderful people brought wood in for Mike so he could get the stove going. I took care of Barbara and cleaned up the kitchen. Did dishes with water heated up on the wood stove. When I was ready to leave I got in my car and promptly got stuck in their driveway, Soooooo I called AAA and after about an hour and a half the guy from AAA came and got me out. So after a scary ride home I decided to call Mike and tell him that I wasn't coming tonight. The roads were too bad. Their Son was coming over tonight so Mike and Barbara won't be alone. He understood so I don't have to go back until tomorrow morning. What a day. Whew!

Just trying to relax now. Are we having fun yet????

Midgie hearts
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 06:03 PM

Good afternoon everyone. I've been in the corner but due to get out shortly. Just wanted to stop in and say hi. Hi. grin

We have rain, rain, rain today. The ground is a sheet of ice so my backyard is a couple inches of water on top of slush and ice. Not even the dogs like it. lol

I hope you all are having a great day! I be back...
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 06:08 PM

My word, Midge, stay home and stay home tomorrow too -put on a brand new game and hot chocolate and enjoy the snow!! You've done your share. And I complained to the pets because it was 49 last night -warm and humid now. Do you have snow tires or chains? If it's raining hard here I won't go anywhere -errands can wait. you are brave.

I can taste those tomatos now. I've decided to keep them in pots due to our grasshopper plagues here. That way they can be inside during the hot summertime. Real sad, our bees are dying here. They come inside and just fail. I watched one and it seemed to wipe it's face like a cat washes her face. All the farmers here use chemicals on their pastures and it's getting that time..I wonder.

Enjoy the rest of the day all
Posted by: Midge

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 06:14 PM

Hi Yankee. Your offer sounds tempting but duty calls and my clients don't have heat yet. They need help. I'll be there in the morning. Hi Ana kissy

Midgie hearts
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 07:40 PM

Hi Midgicans. hearts I hope someone comes around to do random acts of kindness for you because you sure go out of your way for others. You are such a sweetie.

Yankee, snow tires and chains have been illegal in my state since I was young. They ruin the roads.
The bees are having issues all over and its a shame that people do not realize the impact on the environment if they die.

Ana wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 07:41 PM

Good night boomers. wave
Posted by: Midge

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 08:04 PM

Ana thank you for your really kind words hearts , I experienced the kindness of others today, when the couple stopped to help us. I wish I could have gone back to work to the Bliss' but the roads were not safe for me. I have to think of myself in hairy circumstances and today was one of them. I was nervous about going back to work with the roads so questionable. Mike was so understanding though. I'm hoping that the roads get plowed again before I have to venture out again in the morning.

Going to sign off now. I've had quite a day. I still thank God for bringing me back to my apartment. I still love it. smile Night all.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 08:14 PM

Good night SpaceQ, hope you had a nice weekend.

Midgie, I am glad you made it home safely too. hearts

Anyone watching the Grammy's?
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 08:26 PM

Well it is nice that those people stopped to help you Midge. Stay safe!!

L4l sorry you have been sent to your room. lol May the time fly!

niteowl want me to send ya some snow??? We got more then we need or want. lol

Ana are you out yet??? I see your rain has stopped for now. happydance Still snowing here. Looks like there might be a break in the kaction according to the map but right here by the lake we get that lake effect too.

Just me and Sassy all day. Roomie brought over some ribs and kraut and potatoes and said that me and Sassy would not have made it to her place in all that snow and drifts. Very kind of her.

Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 08:44 PM

Had a good day. Went to the Anniversary celebration of the old steak house (1941) and got prime rib FULL dinner for 7 bucks. Was worth the 1 1/2 hour wait. Was hectic and wild, but our waitress was very very good. Even managed to find me an end cut. If you like well done prime rib, the end cut is awesome and is usually twice the size of the regular ones because they cut off enough to get to the not so well done part. I learned that from a waitress long ago. So I ate what I could and brought home 2/3rds of my steak. Yummmmm.

Still cold all day. Hope it warms up for tomorrow!
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/10/13 10:39 PM

Ok Guys, been a busy day and I'm falling asleep at the keyboard. Time to go clean up the kitchen and go to bed. Sleep well all sleep
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Sunday's Best - 02/11/13 12:11 AM

Time here to call it a day! It is still snowing out there and I think they said it should stop tomorrow some time. I know it is deeper then Sassy is tall. lol

Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!