Wednesday Hump

Posted by: gymcandy1

Wednesday Hump - 02/26/13 11:55 PM

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
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Can you spot the ghost in this add?

If you can't see it with the link, copy and paste this in your search bar.

http://www.lotsofjokes.com/ghostly_car_ad-video-6.htm

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Courtroom Dialogue


Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
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Riding A Dead Horse

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...


1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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Into The Future


Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

It's Wednesday. MAIL DAY!!!!! penguin

If you're not sure what I'm referring to you need to reread the jokes. razz

Doesn't it seem strange that Wednesday falls on the same day every week? headscratch

I thought it rotated back by one day each week.

Did you know that if you were born on February 29th, then you don't really exist, and you don't have to pay income tax? thumbsup

The down side is you probably won't get many birthday gifts either.

I wasn't lucky enough to get out of paying income tax, but since I was born in December I only have to pay tax on my December earnings. bravo

I am SO happy I was not born in January. slapforehead

I hope you guys find something to smile about today. dance

joe
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 02:16 AM

Good morning boomers,fantastic day smile
I wish you all a very happy day happydance wave
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 03:25 AM

Good morning Joe,Haroula, and all who who follow me in waveCoffee is ready enjoy the day all puppy
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 05:23 AM

dance Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe keep up the good work! Haroula enjoy your sunshine. Cailyn nice to see you back. Coffee sounds good! Happy Day wished for all! dance
Posted by: GBC

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 05:59 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, I already smiled at the ghost.

Cailyn, thanks for the coffe. Nice to see you. I was worried that maybe your new computer was giving you trouble.

Haroula, happy day to you also.

Gerry, have a wonderful day!

To all who enter....a good day is wished.
Posted by: connie

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 07:10 AM

Good morning everyone. It's bank and Sam's day. To all here and all who follow, have have a Great Hump Day. Danish, Apple Cinnamon Pancakes, Sausage Biscuits, and Hot Chcolate in the NC. Biscuit bottoms for L4L. penguin
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 09:55 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a wonderful Wednesday Hump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: venus

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 09:55 AM

Have a great day Joe, Haroula, Cailyn, Gerry, Gail, Connie and all who come in after me. wave

I'm off today, but I'm leaving pretty soon to have lunch with my friend. thumbsup Afterward, fiance and I have an appointment to sign our lease, so we can stay here another year. That's a little less fun, as our rent is going up. lol

Okay, off to finish getting ready. Have a great Wednesday, everyone. winter
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 10:25 AM

Just a quick stop to wish everybody a wonderfully lovely day!!!! I am off to take roomie to the hospital.

Ana hope there is a tiny bit of light in the corner!!!!!

Have a wonderful day all!!

wave
Nan
Posted by: flutist

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 11:14 AM

Good morning Boomies.

You make me smile Joe.

Talked to Susie last night. She got the final report and everything is okay. Boy, what a relief. She is feeling much better now. Will get together with them on Sunday.

Got my grocery shopping done. Done shot my wad. Not as much as Bill is going to shoot his on March 25. He is going in to get a couple teeth pulled and fitted with temporary teeth. Two months with them then a permanent bridge. Ouch and ouch. The first one for the pulling, the second for the cost. Oh well, can't take it with us. lol Easy come, easy go.

On that note, I think I will get some coffee and play something.

Have a great day everyone.

Bets
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 11:37 AM

Good morning boomies!

Bets, so glad Susie is okay!

Sue, did you see that Nan had trouble the other day playing BF games? She fixed it. Maybe she knows how to fix your troubles?

in the corner, but hope to get out and run the dogs in the snow. yay
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 12:30 PM

Wonderful Wednesday puppy

The rain has moved on and now they are talking snow flurries....boys are here for a week. Skymonkey cuddled with me all night so I slept well, but was on the edge. He has learned how to take up a lot of bed space. puppy

Today is book cooking day....too cold to be out. wave
Posted by: Gimli

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 01:57 PM

Good morning or afternoon or evening my dear friends. I miss you all muches kissy and wanted to say hello in person. Our dear Ana is my link to you and I thank you, Ana, from all of my heart!

Situation with Dad is still the same and he is still in the Hospice. I go there with my Mum almost every day because Mum isn't feeling very good herself and needs support.

Hubby and I went to Munich for a few days over the last weekend (Nan, thank you for the Band!!) to celebrate his 60th Birthday.

I'am so sorry I missed quite a few GB member Birthdays. Happy belated Birthday to all I missed wave

It's almost 8 p.m. here in Switzerland and this girl is tired. I try to come to the Diner more often now. I was under the weather a long time , but I guess I'am on the upward path now.

Love to all of you!

Evelyne
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 02:01 PM

Good Morning.
Joe, that ghost was pure evil genius. I wonder how many cardiac events it has caused??
Hi Haroula, I sure wish we had some of your warmth!
Hope you are having a nice day Sue, Gerry and Gail!
Thanks for the apple cinnamon pancakes, Connie...mmmmmm!
Have a good day Darlene.
Have fun at lunch with your buddy, venus.
Hi Nan! Hope all goes well at the hospital.
It's always something Bets. Hope it goes easily for him with minimal pain.
Hi Ana, "look out where the huskies go and don't you eat that yellow snow....".. I just couldn't resist that! Where is Miss Gimli?
Enjoy your day L4L and stay warm and snuggly with your pup-pups.
I might actually get to spend some of this day with hubby just relaxing!!!
Happy Gaming everyone!! wave
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 02:02 PM

Evelyne, hugs to you! We've missed you puppy

Hi ya Lotus wave
Posted by: my10rugrats

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 03:16 PM

sitting here on pins and needles today

whats the snow situtation like ana?
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 04:07 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 06:36 PM

Oh! I quite missed Evelyne's post!! I must have been taking my time posting in order to do that. It's wonderful to hear from you again, Eveylene. You have been missed! hearts Hi Space, hope you are doing well!!! wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 07:17 PM

Well home from the hospital and I think all is well. Time will tyell.

Evelyne great to see you and prayers continue for all of you!! HUGS!! You have been missed. You are welcome to the Band any time!!

Ana hope the corner is being kind to you!! Have fun when you take the dogs out!

L4l glad you slept well!! Hope the kids are well and in best behavior!!

Bets prayers for the best for hubby next month!! Glad that all is well with Susie!! Happy gaming!

Lotus hope that it warms up for you soon! Have fun relaxing with hubby!!!

My10 I hope the snow is done now!!!

Space have a nice evening!!

wave
Nan
Posted by: my10rugrats

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 07:39 PM

our snow is done , now for the melting pot to begin. thought i would let you know granddaughter has to stay another week.
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 09:45 PM

Good night Boomers. wave
Posted by: Midge

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 10:21 PM

Night all. I had a great day off. I hibernated in my apartment for most of my day. I'm ready to go back to work in the morning. See you then.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 10:54 PM

Evelyne, so glad you made it here. hearts

I ran the dogs today and it was a workout with my heavy snow boots and the thick heavy snow in the fields. Me and the dogs got good exercise. THe rest of the day has been in the corner.

I hope you all had a great day!
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 11:20 PM

Time to hit the bed with a book...or a kindle. Sleep well all sleep
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Wednesday Hump - 02/27/13 11:55 PM

Night all! Sleep well and pleasant dreams!!

sleep
Nan