Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Day - 03/27/13 03:32 AM
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Nathaniel Borenstein (1957 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colonoscopy Remarks
An physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
"How are the acoustics in there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Computers In Movies
25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I got home, ate and showered, and looked up to see my evening is almost over already.
As I considered what I need to do before getting ready for bed, I decided that this is more important than waxing my legs.
Lucky you.
Besides that, my sister used all the wax on her mustache.
I should have loaned her my clippers.
She could stuff a few pillows with what she sheds.
Speaking of pillows.......
Have a super duper happy day everyone.
joe
Nathaniel Borenstein (1957 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colonoscopy Remarks
An physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
"How are the acoustics in there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Computers In Movies
25 Interesting Things That You Learn About Computers in The Movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to. Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon! Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I got home, ate and showered, and looked up to see my evening is almost over already.
As I considered what I need to do before getting ready for bed, I decided that this is more important than waxing my legs.
Lucky you.
Besides that, my sister used all the wax on her mustache.
I should have loaned her my clippers.
She could stuff a few pillows with what she sheds.
Speaking of pillows.......
Have a super duper happy day everyone.
joe
Joe, thanks for the chuckles! 
Hope your Hump Day is easy peasy!
No more corner, I couldn't sl;eep until I was done. 
I am in desperate need of an exhausting workout. 
joe,your comments just drop me laughing...have a wonderful one !
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Darlene, Nan, niteowl and Cailyn. Joe keep smiling. Ana relax today! Darlene hope you have a peaceful day. Nan enjoy your visit. Niteowl don't work to hard. cailyn I'm ready for that coffee. Happy Day wished for All! 
