Monday Mourning

Posted by: gymcandy1

Monday Mourning - 04/21/13 07:51 PM

I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
Mae West
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!


(This should keep you chuckling for awhile)
A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas ) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.
In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.
About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".
The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church... "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.
He then opened the hearing by saying:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's me wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise , as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied
the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the
family that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
. . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.
Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with
tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

Get in here and have a seat, and welcome to the diner! welcome

Time to snap too, and get a nuther diner day going, eh? thumbsup

Mine starts at 3:30. Anyone want to join me or go in my place maybe?

I have to get through four work days in order to get to my next one day off, and then four more. rolleyes

Nobody ever said life is a breeze.

Well maybe they did, but what do they know anyway? razz

It's getting harder, and harder for me to get high on life.

I believe I may have to revert back to something that's less mataphorical. cool

Kidding.... wink

I can't get it to grow. rotfl

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/21/13 07:57 PM

I'm refusing to head into Monday, I have way too much to do before it gets here. lol

Joe, have a wonderful day! I hope the 4 days go by fast for you.

Tonight is Salsa night, so no matter how much sleep I need to lose to get caught up in the corner, I am going dancing! yay

Have a happy day everyone!

Ana wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/21/13 09:05 PM

Thanks for the jokes Joe. lol
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/21/13 11:26 PM

Have a great day SpaceQ!
Posted by: BobH

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 12:18 AM

Ana, I also have a lot to catch up on before Monday. I'm going to get what I can done tonight but I'm also trying to get my sleep schedule back to a more reasonable hour. Wish me luck! smile
Posted by: manxman

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 12:21 AM

Good morning everyone. Hope you all have a great start to the week wave
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 02:46 AM

Good morning boomers,have all a nice day wave
Posted by: GBC

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 05:43 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope your days go by quickly till your next day off.

Ana, wishing you an easy corner day and a fun Salsa night.

Space, Bob and Manxman sweet dreams.

Haroula, happy day is wished for you today.

Where is everyone this morning? I'll put the coffee on.
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 05:53 AM

Good Morning Joe, Ana. SpaceQ, BogH, Haroula and GBC. Thanks for putting the coffee on GBC. I slept in this morning! A first for me. Joe hope the work day flies by. Ana have fun "dancing"! SpaceQ,and BobH time to rise and shine. Haroula enjoy your day. Cailyn hope all is well with you. A great Day wished for all! wave
Posted by: venus

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 06:07 AM

Well, it's time for work whoosh two of four this week. smile It's cold today, so I have to bundle up. shiver Have a great Monday, everyone. cat
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 06:36 AM

dance Good Morning and Happy Day venus! dance
Posted by: connie

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 07:05 AM

Good morning everyone. Ana, most everything will be lost to water, soot, and smoke damage. The insurance company also won't allow them to take anything out until Friday after they check it out. It's boarded up and with our humidity and rain there will be a lot of mildew. We got 3 inches of rain yesterday evening with more to follow today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. spring
Posted by: soot

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 08:40 AM

Whoop! Whoop! It's Monday morning and I am off to work. But prior to that trip I want to wish each and every one of you a merry Monday, chock full of productivity, what ever that may entail for you. Take care and we'll see you later...

Oh my Joe .. 0330? Hmmm, might be best just to stay up and game wink

Alas Gail, I am off to work .. thank you for the coffee

Glad you were able to sleep in Gerry .. those days are good yes

I'm joining you Venus and Joe as we're off to work

Thanks for the treats Connie .. hope all is back in order the soonest

Have a great day Ana SQF Haroula ManXMan Bob and the rest of you when you are up and at em!

Whoosh...

wave

ps .. hearts L4L
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 10:57 AM

Good morning Bob, Gerry, Haroula, Manxman, Gail, soot, Connie, venus and all to follow.


I don't mean to be rude, but the corner is calling me. I must get to work. It's a beautiful sunny day today! yay
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 11:03 AM

Joe I hope the next four fly for ya. Have fun at work! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana hope the corner is kind today and you are able to move right along. Enjoy dance class tonight.

I see that we are in line for another storm with a possible 7-10 inches this evening and nighttime. Hope there is no rain heading your way with all the flooding you are having in that area. I din't think Spring wants to get here. lol

Space have a great day!

Bob hope you get caught up!!

Gail thanks for starting the coffee. Yummmmy! Have a lovely day!!

Gerry hope the knee is improving!

venus happy working!!! grin

Connie I hope and pray that the ins company is kind to them. I know that some things are replacable though. How sad. Sending HUGS!

Manxman have a nice day!

Haroula enjoy the day!!

Soot may work be fun and the time fly!! Have a nice day!

wave
Nan
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 11:46 AM

Another great day to do something interesting.

Today's project is to help my neighbor figure out how to fix her cell phone. Seems she loaned it to her brother, who loaned it to HIS grandkid, who took it on a camping trip, AND changed the phone to 'call forwarding' to HER phone and didn't tell anyone and returned it to my neighbor STILL in call forwarding. Took my neighbor 6 months to figure out why she wasn't getting any calls on it!

So now we will read the book, try to revert it to normal. She only uses it for emergencies when she is driving or long distance. It's one of those prepaid phone card ones. Yesterday I helped her load extra minutes. We do that every year. Old Nokia phone doesn't jibe with the instructions on the phone card. We ended up finally going to my computer and amazingly worked after 4 years of not being able to do it by computer and me having to call a REAL person to walk me through all the number inputs. Ugh. Yesterday, easy.

Off to figure out her phone. Wish me luck!
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 11:50 AM

Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Teensy bit cool in Alabama today. Had to fall back on my house shoes and housecoat. It will be in the 60's later, but the winds are "awhooping" as my g'mother would have said!

I woke up with a sore right leg today. I wonder if God is just trying to tell me to Not to exercise...nah...rotfl

I think I will default to my stationery bike which the doggies won't like but they will like it better than me hurting my leg or getting sick from the wind. puppy

Right now Sky is earnestly reminding me I haven't fed him yet (his head is resting all it's weight on my left hand...not helpful in typing). As soon as I post, I'll go feed 'em.

I've had a busy morning. Conducted an archaeological dig and discovered that my desk does indeed have a top.

Also had a nice visit with middle son and daughter will most likely be calling soon. Laundry is spinning and dishes are drying. Gotta thank God again for automatic dishwashers and washers and dryers.

Also must finalize plans for dinner. Oh, and I've "visited" the library and checked out a book whilst sipping my coffee in the den. happydance

Soot and I really enjoyed our play yesterday. Then we came home and watched the 1950's version with David Niven and Shirley McLaine. We both thought we'd seen it, but turned out, neither of us had. It is a long movie with an Intermission...been awhile since I've seen that screen come up. Anyway, it was fun to watch though I kept falling asleep in the 2nd half. So I fell asleep much earlier than normal for me, but then woke up at 4 a.m. EEEK! Absolutely refused to get up at that time though and eventually fell back asleep.

Off to feed the 4 legged ones. puppy
Posted by: Midge

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 03:31 PM

Hi gang. I'm being quiet today. I'm off to work in a few. Hope you're all having a good day.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 04:06 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 04:25 PM

sleep wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 04:51 PM

Sorta good luck with the phone!!!

L4l sorry it is that cool there. We are at a nice 40F here but snow moving in, or so they say! lol

Midge have fun at work!!

Space have a nice relaxing evening!

Night Haroula and congrats!! Sleep well and pleasant dreams.

I am going to go with a friend to howler BINGO a few times in a little while. happydance

wave
Nan
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 06:03 PM

Nan, 40...eeek! What is howler bingo?
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 07:43 PM

Phone snafu update. Tried calling Nokia. Got a YOUNG guy who had no idea what phone we were talking about. Spent 5 minutes looking up the 'manual' and then apologized on not finding it. I told him I HAD the manual and needed a code number to reset the phone. He was clueless.

I called TracFone. Punched a load of buttons and finally got a recording that told me I would have to wait at least 30 minutes for a representative. OR I could leave the phone number and they would call back, 'sometime'. Couldn't sit around waiting forever. Tried computer support for the phone. They had me punching more buttons and then finally, I get a message, "Error, try back later". Arrraaaghhhhh!

Finally sent neighbor home and kept her phone and book. READ entire book and found out that 2 pages before the one I was on, there was a short explanation of the 'code saving feature'. So I put 2 and 2 together with what neighbor told me about the gal who messed up the phone and since she was a computer programmer, thought maybe, just maybe she had SAVED the code on the phone itself.

Punched in the 'trigger' code numbers and got an expanded menu which gave me the option to CANCEL the call forwarding. Ohhhhhh thank goodness! Punched cancel, never did display that code the stupid gal entered so she could use it but told neighbor to not touch anything ever again and NOT to loan it out.

Problem solved for now. Not calling any help numbers for awhile. I'm exhausted. woozy
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 08:17 PM

Oh Sorta, what a day!
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 09:27 PM

Good night Boomers.
Posted by: Midge

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 10:35 PM

Home from work and now just thinking about tomorrow's agenda. Work not until 5:00 tomorrow evening. I think I'll ask our Joe for BB pancakes in the morning. Night all.

Midgie sleep
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 11:05 PM

L4l howler BINGO is when you go to play BINGO and you win, then you howler out BINGO!! lol But alas I didn't get to howler tonight.

Wow Sorta what a day you have had. eek Glad the problem is finally resolved though.

Night Space sleep well.

Midge hope that you have had a good day. HUGS!!!

wave
Nan
Posted by: venus

Re: Monday Mourning - 04/22/13 11:59 PM

Good night, everyone. sleep