Hump Day

Posted by: gymcandy1

Hump Day - 04/23/13 11:07 PM

See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?
Will Rogers
To his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?


And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that [blip] squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor, after a thorough examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After three martinis, mother and daughter were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those women sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


And THAT, my friends, is "Putting Your Affairs In Order"!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning boys and girls, aunts, uncles, nieces & nephews, writers & readers, Tweeters, woofers, friends, Romans, countrymen........and women. welcome

Welcome to a new day in the diner. rah

A brand new shiny diner day. thumbsup

Let's play shall we? dance

I'm so hoppy to see you all. chocobunny

I hop your day is warm and dry, if that's what you want, and that you all have a happy, mellow yellow day. yes

Let the sunshine in.

joe
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 04/23/13 11:11 PM

Have a very happy day Joe. Kill them with kindness. grin

I have a routine doctor appt late morning and then back to the corner for me. Life is good. hearts

Have a fantastic day everyone!

Ana wave
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 01:00 AM

Good Morning Boomers, even though it is last night here, haha. I just want to tell you it pleased me so much to make other people smile. This is especially for Ana, Nan and L4L. That is just about the best feeling in the world!! I am really trying to send Spring your way everyone..enough with the snow and rains!! I may be back later but am wishing everyone who comes in after me....a wonderful day and Happy Gaming!!! wave
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 02:25 AM

Have a great day Joe,Ana,Lotus and all who come in later wave
My parents are coming tomorrow for the Easter happydance
We have sunshine springand warm weather smile
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 03:10 AM

Good morning Joe,Ana,Lotus,Haroula wave Joe the Bored husband one was great grinHaroula enjoy visit with your parents,coffee is ready it's suppose to be in the 60's today I'll just have to wait and see spring Enjoy the day everybody puppy
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 04:39 AM

spring Good Morning Joe, Ana, Lotus777, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe you keep me smiling! Ana hope you get to relax a little today. Lotus wishing you a happy day. Haroula have a great visit with your family. Cailyn I hope you feel the warmth of the sun day. Enjoy your day everyone! spring
Posted by: connie

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 06:55 AM

Good morning everyone. Bank and BJ's are on today's agenda. The pets need food. cat puppy To all here and all who follow, have a Super Hump day. My sis is coming next week for a short visit. happydance I haven't seen her in several years. Danish, Omelets, and Waffles in the NC. spring
Posted by: GBC

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 07:56 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, thanks for the bright and cheery opening. rah

Ana, good luck at the docs.

Lotus, have a wonderful day when you awake.

Haroula, enjoy your visit with your parents.

Cailyn, warmer weather ahead.

Gerry, good day to you.

Connie, somehow bank and BJ's go together. lol Wishing you a great visit with your sis.

Supposed to be a nice Spring day today. Dog walking this morning. Church tonight.
Posted by: soot

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 08:58 AM

Morning Joe..you put a big smile on me this morning lol

Ana..drive safe and we'll see you later

Hope your day was grand Lotus and wishing you another today

Haroula .. have a great day with your parents

Gail .. enjoy the walk .. I'll do mine later

Connie .. that's neat your sister is coming for a visit .. have fun

Sue, I hope the day climbs into the 60s+ for you

Have a wonderful Wednesday Gerry

Good morning everyone..ahhh, nothing like starting the day at the diner .. and I must admit I've had to install a seat belt to keep me from rolling on the floor when reading Joe's openers .. have a great day everyone .. with any luck spring will keep sprunging and before you know it, summer will be here! I'm off to work .. take care.

Whoosh...

hearts L4L .. CUL8R
Posted by: SharonB

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 09:58 AM

Good morning all! 3-weeks left on my "Vacation". Fortunately I have some time with this computer and have been able to play Jewel Quest with it. grin I miss my computer and am missing Morrowind. When I get released I'm going to install Morrowind and bash some heads and zap some people who deserve it! laugh

Good luck with the doctor's appointment Ana.

Hoping everyone has a great gaming day! dance
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:06 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Your openers are the best! Have a mellow yellow Hump Day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Recorded the newest NCIS episode to see tonight! Hearing fabulous things about it! Can't wait!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:19 AM

Wonderful Wednesday ya'll puppy

It's kinda grey out there. We have rain coming in, and Keoki has an ear recheck at the vet so we'll be out and about for a bit. We'll have to see if we can get a walk in after the appointment but before the rain.

Joe, love the sun. Thanks.

Ana, hope the appointment and the corner go quickly.

Lotus, I'll join you in trying to send some Spring to those in need. We are having a wonderful one so far.

Haroula, do you clean like mad before your folks get there? I clean like a crazy woman when someone is coming. How long will they stay. Happy Easter tomorrow!

Sue, enjoy your 60's.

Gerry, what is up for you today?

Connie, is you sis coming just for a visit? How long is she staying?

Gail, what is fun on your agenda today?

Soot kissy

Sharon, hope you are soon happily whacking bad guys!

Happy Skooshing Darlene wave
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:28 AM

L4L,the same here,cleaning,cleaning....
Our Easter is on 5th of May but they come
earlier. smile
They will stay here about a month happydance
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:42 AM

Haroula, where are they coming from?
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:47 AM

From Athens,hubby is from crete(island),the biggest one :)and we stay here.
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:59 AM

Oh my goodness, my fur babies are so entertaining. Every meal Keoki brings me all the dog bowls once everyone is through eating. After he does that, they get a milkbone.

So today, the 3 boys finished but Seagy was still licking her bowl. Keoki brought me his bowl, then Sky's, then Lil Soot's and Seagan was still licking her bowl.

Now, they all know there is no treat til after the 4th bowl. So Keoki was doing his stiff legged Keoki dance but no way was he going to try to take it from her.

When I stopped laughing, I made Seagy move off so Keoki could bring me her bowl. So funny!

Haroula, sounds like a fun month. wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 11:08 AM

Joe happy hump day!!! Only one more after today!!! happydance Thanks for the laughs!

Ana best of luck with the doc appointment!! Hope the project is moving right along for ya! Merlin feeling better? I hope he is!!

Aw Lotus if the weatherman is right Spring might make it here by the weekend. happydance I just hope that it decides to stay. lol

Haroula have a lovely visit with your parents! Happy Cleaning!!!! lol

Cailyn and Gerry have a lovely kday and enjoy the weather.

Gail have a nice walk with the dogs and enjoy the nice weather. The sun is shinning here but only about 32 out there. All in all not too bad since the winds not blowing. Have a good time at church tonight.

Connie happy banking and fun shopping. Thanks for the danish! That is really great about your sis coming to visit.....enjoy!! Mine will join us out tonight.

Soot may work go well and fly! Have a nice day!

Sharon nice to see you post again!! Hope the next three weeks go by fast for ya!!

Darlene may all go smoothly for you today! Have a lovely day!

L4l good luck at the Vet. Hope the ear is all better now. May the rains hold off till after your walk!! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 02:29 PM

Back from the vet. Keoki's ear is infection clear. Time's they are achanging. When we first started going to this vet, there was no charge for a recheck. Today it was $40.00. puppy

Grabbed the guys and zapped to the park. The rain held off and the wind was not bad at all. Now it's watermelon time, and then I'm going to cook dinner so I do it before I get too tired. Then can just reheat tonight. wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 04:02 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 04:08 PM

Hi ya Quest wave

Most of dinner is done, the dishwasher is running, and it's time to sit and surf for a bit, or perhaps read. My back is talking to me and it's not being complimentary. puppy
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 04:15 PM

sleep wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 04:20 PM

L4l glad the rain held off so you could run the dogs.

Space have a nice evening!!

Night Haroua sleep well.

Time to head out with the taxi. Guess what.......they have more snow in the forecast for tonight. eek lol

Have a lovely evening all.

wave
Nan
Posted by: flutist

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 05:31 PM

Hi all.

You can keep your snow Nan. Don't send it to Missouri.

Been doing some cleaning as friends are coming over on Friday instead of Saturday. Tomorrow, I have to work at the book sale so the morning is shot. Will spend the afternoon doing more cleaning so I don't have to do it on Friday. Laundry will be moved to Saturday. What fun.

Bill has a client here so I am waiting for them to finish so we can continue our game. Leftover spaghetti tonight, so dinner will be easy to get.

Bets
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 05:57 PM

Night Haroula, sweet dreams sleep

Nan, be safe and luck And try to stay warm...snow eek

Bets, how is Susie?
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 07:33 PM

Good evening boomies! It's been a busy day, but I did take the dogs out for a much needed run for the both of us. puppy

I am still busy plugging away in the corner. I am trying to hustle so maybe I can get a day off on the weekend to go back to Starved Rock. Not sure if that is going to happen but I am hopeful.

I hope you all are enjoying the day!

Ana wave
Posted by: Midge

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 07:41 PM

Hi guys. L4L I laughed when you described your puppies at dinner time. So funny. Joe I really laughed out loud at the husband's bored antics. Thanks.

I had today off. I did as little as possible today. What a great day. I did manage to walk on the treadmill this afternoon. Felt good. Ana what's Starved Rock pleaseandthankyou. I think you've been there before.

Got some bookkeeping done though. Renewed my car registration online. That was easy.

After watching all the news about the Boston Marathon one saying is sticking with me....Boston Strong. So true.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 08:32 PM

Ana, I have fingers crossed for you.

Midgy, so glad you had a good day off. I know you don't get many of those.

Diner is dined, dogs are fed. Now hubby and I will do some WoW dailies and then I'm heading for bed with a book. sleep
Posted by: Midge

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 09:26 PM

What are you reading L4L?
Posted by: GBC

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 10:04 PM

Night all! sleep
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 04/24/13 11:07 PM

Midgie, it's where I go hiking, climbing and looking at the waterfalls. Starved Rock. It's like a mini vacation to spend the day there. It's still closed unfortunately due to our flooding but we'll see how it goes.

L4L, I just heard about the barge explosions in Alabama. I am glad you are safe from the coast. eek

Sweet dreams all...it's been a long day.