Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Day - 05/08/13 01:11 AM
One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one quarter."
"One quarter?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realize that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn't say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you idiot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
You know, spell check does NOT like Italian words for some reason.
Every one of those Italian words are misspelled.
So is "everyboomie" for that matter.
I guess that's Italian too. Who knew?
MaMa Mia!!
My days off are over, so I'm back on today.
Waa Hoo! I go back on at 5:00am, so I'll be up at 3:30am, so I'll be down just as soon as I can get there.
The BIG problem is that I can't get the sun to go down any sooner, and it's staying up later and later as we get into Summer.
He's a veritable night owl.
I am a night sparrow.
Sorry about the cheep joke.
Have a happy day everyone.
All this up and down is tiring me out.
joe
Author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one quarter."
"One quarter?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realize that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn't say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you idiot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
You know, spell check does NOT like Italian words for some reason.
Every one of those Italian words are misspelled.
So is "everyboomie" for that matter.
I guess that's Italian too. Who knew?
MaMa Mia!!
My days off are over, so I'm back on today.
Waa Hoo! I go back on at 5:00am, so I'll be up at 3:30am, so I'll be down just as soon as I can get there.
The BIG problem is that I can't get the sun to go down any sooner, and it's staying up later and later as we get into Summer.
He's a veritable night owl.
I am a night sparrow.
Sorry about the cheep joke.
Have a happy day everyone.
All this up and down is tiring me out.
joe
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Haroula, Cailyn and all coming to the Diner. Joe I hope your work day flies by. Ana good luck with the pups at the vet. Haroula have a nice day. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Hope all is well with you. Happy Day wished for everyone! 
I'm doing as little as possible. Got my errands done early so I could just hang out for the rest of the day. I completely cleaned my apartment yesterday so I don't have to do much today. Feels good not to have to rush around and get ready for work. Ah.....this is the life. Actually I'd go stark raving mad if I did this everyday. 
I hope Seagy will be OK. Hi Nan. 
