Posted By: gymcandy1
Thursday's - 06/13/13 03:14 AM
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
George Burns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vet Exam
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know that there is only two good things that come out of Oklahoma?
I-35 South & I-35 North...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
$57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you
drink."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine
cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Another one bites the dust.
I just hope the rest of them bite the dust before I do.
What's up around the world nowadays?
Around here the water's been up up up, but now it's down, and the only thing that's up, besides my sister's weight, is the temperature.
We're in the mid to upper 90s now. It won't be long before I'll be toe tapping across the parking lot asphalt at Lowe's, that I like to call the Saraha.
I know that sounds like I'm trying to be funny, but.......
I'm as fond of Summer here as I am at getting a colonoscopy without anestesia.
I get to close the next three nights at work.
I'm about as fond of closing as I am a herniated disk.
Now that you know much more than you ever wanted to know about my likes and dislikes................well, my dislikes.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
George Burns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vet Exam
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you know that there is only two good things that come out of Oklahoma?
I-35 South & I-35 North...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
$57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you
drink."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"
The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine
cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Another one bites the dust.
I just hope the rest of them bite the dust before I do.
What's up around the world nowadays?
Around here the water's been up up up, but now it's down, and the only thing that's up, besides my sister's weight, is the temperature.
We're in the mid to upper 90s now. It won't be long before I'll be toe tapping across the parking lot asphalt at Lowe's, that I like to call the Saraha.
I know that sounds like I'm trying to be funny, but.......
I'm as fond of Summer here as I am at getting a colonoscopy without anestesia.
I get to close the next three nights at work.
I'm about as fond of closing as I am a herniated disk.
Now that you know much more than you ever wanted to know about my likes and dislikes................well, my dislikes.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
THanks for making me laugh and smile Joe. 
To all awake, 
Ana we are expecting another 3 inches of rain today and wind too. 
Manxman and Darlene hope you have happy dreams. 
Haroula enjoy your day! Wishing everyone a nice day! 
Rah Rah!
