Two's Day

Posted by: gymcandy1

Two's Day - 06/17/13 11:41 PM

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on

A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."

The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.

"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.

"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It [blip] near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a [blip] he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing.

The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

lol Well kiss my grits.

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"

"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to my nightmare.

Not sure which is worse, my nightmare (living in SE Oklahoma with my Mom and sister), or my daymare (working at Lowe's in SE Oklahoma.....while living with my Mom and sister). crazy

What was that quote about cynics?

I'm kidding.

I am an incredibly fortunate person and count my blessings every day.

I love my Mother and my sister..........................despite what she smells like. wink

I don't actually have a sense of smell, just a sense of right and wrong.

It was so wrong for those people to leave her on our doorstep when she was a baby. shame

Ok I don't know when to stop. slapforehead

All joking aside.

Have a happy day everyone. thumbsup
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 02:31 AM

Good morning boomers,have all a great day. smile wave
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 02:53 AM

Good morning Joe,Haroula wave I;m putting the coffee on! Wishing you all a happy day puppy
Posted by: Gimli

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 03:27 AM

Good morning Joe, Haroula, Sue and everybody coming in after me...

Just got back my PC from PC-Doc. I got a virus or somesuch a few weeks ago and couldn't get rid of it and over a week ago PC crashed because of the virus/worm/trojan or whatever it was. It started with embedded Ads and everytime my curser accidentally rolled over such an embedded ad, a new one started. Day before the crashing I couldn't use Websites any more because they were full of those embedded ads. A horror, I tell you. Then the crash and then the PC Doc wagging his finger at me... I swear I don't know where I got this bl(eep) virus. It is called "Happy Lyrics" by the way and I tell you in earnest: keep away from any programm that's called Happy Lyrics! PC-Doc thinks that I got it with downloading ad-ons from my browser.

So, I'am back, and I'am happy being back!

We have a heatwave here in Switzerland. Temps round 98F during the day and 78F during night. I know, I know, we waited for summer and the hot temps a long time, but.... but.... this is too hot for me!

Wishing you cooler temps and a great day!

Smooches from Evelyne
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 03:58 AM

Good Morning Joe, Haroula, Cailyn and Gimli. You all enjoy your Tuseday. Thanks for the coffee Sue! Hope you're feeling better. summer
Posted by: GBC

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 06:35 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Haroula, happy day!

Sue, coffee sounds wonderful this morning!

Evelyne, so glad your computer is up and running again. Pretty warm weather. Stay cool.

Gerry, have a good day.

School is out. Yay! Maybe a trip to Pet Co this afternoon. Put a small crack in my fish tank cleaning it.
Posted by: connie

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 07:05 AM

Good morning everyone.
I think we will take a trip to the beach today. There's a plant nursery there that has some plants we can't get anywhere else. We'll browse the shops and have lunch too. We would walk the beach, but it's too hot now. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, French Toast, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 09:47 AM

Hi Ho Hi Ho, it's off to dance I go. Sam and I are headed to Salsa Funk class. I need to get away from house chores for a bit. See you all in a few!

Have a happy day!
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 09:58 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Happy Two's Day to you too!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 10:31 AM

Good morning everybody. wave

I'm on my way out the door. happydance

I hope you all have a great day. thumbsup

Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 10:36 AM

Joe may work fly and go well. Thanks for the chuckles.

Haroula have a lovely day!

Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Hope you are feeling better now. How's the campground going??

Evelyne I'll send you some of our cool for a little of your heat. Just a little though cause I too do nit like those high temps. We been in the upper 40F's to lower 50F's the last couple days!

So glad that you have your PC back now. I just do not understand why somebody has to spend their time trying to shut down other peoples computers. That is just sad and oh so wrong!!!

Gerry have a lovely day!

Gail bet the girls are happy, happy!!! Hope you can find something for the crack! Have a lovely day!

Connie have fun at the beach!! Thanks for the danish!

Ana have fun at class with Sam!! Glad you can take a little break for all that scrapping and painting!!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly!! Have a lovely day!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 10:58 AM

Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

I was horribly lazy this morning when hubby nudged me. I mumbled something incomprehensible and put my pillow back over my head and went back to sleep. Bad me!

But I'm up now...smoothies made....dogs fed! I do have to do some laundry today, but my goal for the day is to do Nothing! I need some down time.

Depending on how the day goes, we may get to the new Superman movie tonight. Son's job is always unpredictable so we shall see.

Joe, loved the Einstein joke!

Eeeek Evelyne, I've had that happen in spite of the fact that I'm super careful. I'm glad you are back and hope that soon it will be cooler for you (and me).

wave to all puppy

Hmmmm just read that if you are allergic to ragweed, eating honey dew or cantaloupe can cause your body to react. Guess what was in my smoothie this morning? rotfl Darn allergies!
Posted by: Gimli

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 02:35 PM

Hello again Boomerfriends

I survived a very hot day, need a shower now and then it's pillow time for me.

Nan: approx half the heat we had today I've sent to your place. Put on your sunglasses and wait till it arrives at the great Lakes. kissy... and enjoy thumbsup

Looney: I was super careful too. You can have 5 firewalls and 10 antivirus and 20 spam filter and adblocks and whatnot and they get you nonetheless. Bad people out there!
Take care!

Good night everybody (it's 8.34 p.m. here). This girl is soooo tired. See you tomorrow.

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 03:20 PM

Yes, Evelyne, there are. And it is so aggravating. We never did discover where my evil virus came from but since it made me buy a new computer, I almost never download anything anymore.

Sweet dreams sleep
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 04:43 PM

Liked the pizza joke Joe. thumbsup
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 04:47 PM

sleep wave
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 05:48 PM

Hey Sorta, ShemerBaby -the stove sleeping cat- is far from Siamese. He's a common kinda brown, tan, black striped tabby, however, he's probably the largest cat I've ever had and I've had a lot of 'em. His feet are the size of half dollars and he's super loveable. He was a stray and I know he came from the neighbor's. I've adopted 2 of their cats and 1 other died befor I could get her. They keep their dogs (I guess) but not their cats. I want to tell them not to get any more cats but they might and then just drop them off somewhere when for some reason they tire of them. So I won't. And of course they aren't spayed/neutered/no shots so I do that too. Right now he's sleeping on an apartment size fridge.

Played Oblivion until 11:05 PM -what is it about that game -my love affair I guess. I'm a Khajiit this time. They are most nimble.

That onion I planted is coming up so now I'll bring inside befor the grasshoppers get to it. The tomatos are gone. There's a great big squishey looking caterpillar eating them breakfast lunch and dinner. Any entamologists here -could you ID it for me.

Bye all
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 05:54 PM

lol Yankee, is it a big green one? It's probably a tomato longhorn. I ate one as a child because I had wicked older sisters. rotfl I remember it well!

Evelyne, good to see you my friend! hearts btw, it still hasn't arrived.
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 07:05 PM

Sweet Dreams, Haroula sleep

Yankee, you need to pull that caterpillar off and squishify him. When we had tomatoes I'd pull I can't even begin to count how many off and throw them in the road. Then one day after spending 3 straight hours picking them off, I sprayed and it was raining caterpillars. I was astounded.

I just fried some dill pickles. Yummmmy! Now I have to experiment with some different batter recipes.

Dogs are fed. Hubby is on the way home and we will zap out to the movie. Gonna go see the new Superman tonight. We wanted to go this afternoon, but hubby couldn't get off in time. Such is life. puppy

Ana, how did it taste?
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 07:37 PM

L4L, it was shot into my mouth and face. I think today its the reason I won't eat guacamole. It was about as tasty as the mud pie aka burger they fed me. Big sisters are a joy!

How do you fry the dill pickles L4L? Sounds interesting!
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 07:39 PM

I can't kill it because I'd feel badly if I did. Maybe it will make a chrysalis nearby. L4L, what we do for our gardens. That was a lot of work.

Ana, wee your sisters laughing?

Gotta get something for supper. What? Maybe just a salad with cottage cheese.
Posted by: Midge

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 09:27 PM

Ana Hahahahahaha. You crack me up!

Well, my CAT scan turned up my hernia. Now I have to figure out when to have the surgery and how much time I need off I need to take to recover from it. Ugh! I hate this. Shouldn't be very long though. The first hernia operation I had a while ago was a day surgery. I have an appointment with my Dr next Wednesday so I'll know then.

Looks like I need to think about finding my pillow. See you in the AM.. Have a good night all.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 10:02 PM

Good night Boomers sleep
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 10:53 PM

Good evening boomies. Hubby and I made a trip to Lowes and then to Tilted Kilt for dinner. It was a nonstop day, I am ready to have a day with nothing scheduled but I don't see one in the horizon.

I steam-vacced the whole house and now it's down to cleaning floors. It's getting there! yay

When we came home from dinner it was dusk out and a coyote walked right out of the woods crossed the street two doors down and entered the subdivision. eek They are getting bolder by the week. I am glad I don't have small dogs.
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 10:56 PM

Hello everybody. wave

It's been a long day. After I got off of work I came home and hopped on the mower and mowed the yard, then came in and cooked my supper. Then I went to shower and the water was not very hot, so I reset the water heater and waited about a half hour, and then showered. slapforehead

I feel like a new man now. bravo

Just in time for bed. lol

I wish you all a good night. thumbsup

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Two's Day - 06/18/13 11:08 PM

Sweet dreams Joe! I mowed the lawn today too. yay
Glad you got hot water, I hate cold showers. Sleep tight!

Ana wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Two's Day - 06/19/13 01:20 AM

What a pleasant surprise of a day!! My youngest granddaughter and her daughter(little Miss Abbi-Roze) came by and spent the day. We went to the park to play! Was lots of fun!!

Time now though to look for my pillow. Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!