Posted by: gymcandy1

TGIF - 06/21/13 01:17 AM

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!"

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.
At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

There was this policeman who liked to stake out bars for an easy job by watching the drunks and then arresting them. After a while, a man came out and starting walking to his car. The man could not keep his balance and fell down several times. He finally found his car after wandering the carpark for a few minutes. The man tried to open his door but couldn't insert the key properly. The policeman was thinking to himself that this dude was clearly drunk. The man put the key in the ignition and sat there in his car. He blinked a few times and then did nothing. The policeman goes up to him and pulls him out of his car. The policeman orders the man to breathe into the breathalyser. It reads 0.0. The cop is puzzled and says:"I'm sorry, but I think that this thing is broken." The man replies:"I doubt that seriously officer, you see I'm the designated decoy."

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

My day off is here and I have about 313 things to do. razz

That's not including any arrowhead hunting. frown

Well I'm not sure exactly what I might do anywho. It's going to be mid to upper 90s.

If I get up at like 6am it might be cool enough to take a quick trek up stream. think

That is a might big IF. snicker

It's just a shame if you only have one day off, and can't do something you like. wink

I'm fixing to go do one thing I like doing very very much. happydance

Any guesses?

It rhymes with "going to bed." sleep

Have a happy day everyone.

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 01:26 AM

Good morning Joe. Glad you got a day off but I am sorry there is no fun plans in there. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised.

I'm running the dogs at the river early and then giving them a bath. By the time I am done the Jersey relatives should be descending upon us. There will be an 18 month old. I hope Merlin behaves. The local family will arrive later for a BBQ.

Have a happy day!
Posted by: cailyn

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 02:24 AM

Good morning Joe,Ana,and all who arrive later waveJoe I hope you get to do something fun today! Ana sounds like another busy day for you!Coffee is ready at this crazy hour eekHappy day wished for all summer
Posted by: Haroula

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 02:39 AM

Good morning Joe,Ana,Sue and all who follow. wave
Have all a nice day. happydance summer
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 03:55 AM

Good Morning Joe, Ana, Cailyn, and Haroula. Joe enjoy your day off. Ana you sound stressed already! Cailyn have you gone to bed yet? Haroula have a nice day too. Wishing everyone a great day! wave
Posted by: niteowl07

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 05:09 AM

lol oh ,joe , i loved the decoy joke ! sorry you may not get to the creek. hope you enjoy what you can.

ana , good luck with all ,hope you have fun ,too.

morning to everyone -couldn't sleep again. fixing to be another hot one here in new mexico again ,i'm sure.

figure i'd fool around awhile ,then try going back to sleep....see you later !

have a wonderful day ,everyone !

Posted by: connie

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 06:52 AM

Good morning everyone. Not sure what's on the agenda for the day yet. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful TGIF. Danish, Fruit Cups, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
Posted by: GBC

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 07:49 AM

Joe, hope your day turns out super fun.

Ana, hope everything goes well for you today.

Sue, I got a chance to sleep in this morning. Now I'm in desperate need of coffee!

Haroula, wishing you a happy day!@

Gerry, have a great day also.

niteowl, good morning.

Connie, enjoy whatever the day brings.

Will take a nice long walk with the dogs this morning then who knows. Happy summer to all!
Posted by: Darlene

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 09:58 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! I hope you're able to find some time for yourself today!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

It's Friday! woot

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: 3dobermans

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 10:44 AM

Good morn; woke to another day of rain and cooler than norm temps. Guess what I'll be doing? Gaming, a leeetle bit of housework, watch tv and nap.
I do know my yard will be almost impossible to mow, not to mention weeds.

So's I hope all have a great Friday.
Posted by: Gimli

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 10:55 AM

Good morning Boomies

Let's sing a song together, to the tune of "It's crying time again" from Ray Charles.

A one, a two, a...

""Oh, it's, miiigraine time again,
I'am gone lie down,
I can see that faraway look in Doc's eyes,
I can tell by the way it's hurt my brai-ain,
That it won't be long before I take my meds""

Ok, thank you, thank you praise

Will come back as soon as I'am feeling better.


Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 11:03 AM

Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

It is a beautiful day out there. Hubby and I and the monkeymen all popped out of the house and to the park bright and early. Round and round we went. My Skyman was very zigzaggy this morning until I finally decided Enough! Then I handed Keoki over to hubby, and shortened Sky up til he had no choice but to stay next to me. Once I had him behaving I grabbed Miss Seagy and the rest of the walk was good.

Then back home for our normal routine of smoothying, feeding folks and 4 legged ones, getting the macaroni cooked for tonight's Salmon Salad and my oatmeal cooked for the week, laundry running and now Finally it is time to sit and surf.

Despite sleeping most of the day yesterday, I slept like a log last night. happydance I should vacumn today, but not sure I'm gonna. Who has the cleaning fairies? I'd love to have the house spruced up....I just don't want to be the one to do it. rotfl

Son is having Fire problems. His has suddenly decided not to stream movies from Prime. I did some googling and will do more later to see if I can find the answer. He has taken off for work. Friday's are always hard for him. He closes Thursday nights and opens on Fridays, so not much sleep for him.

Joe, does the creek run through a forested area? I do hope you get to have some fun today.

Ana, what is your chicken rub recipe? I hope you have a wonderful time!

Cailyn, have a great day!

Haroula, any beach in your day?

Gerry, wave

Niteowl, I hope you got some sleep.

Connie, did you ever get your pool fixed?

Gail, will the girls go with you on your walk?

Happy Skooshing, Darlene.

Trippy, hope your day is fun. How are the gang?

Evelyne, hugs to you. I hope your head feels better soonest!
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 11:10 AM

Aw Evelyne HUGS!!!!!!! Prayers that your migraine goes away soonest and stays away longest!!! hearts

Joe thanks for the laughs and I hope you can squeeze in some head hunting time.

Ana prayers that all goes well and that Merlin behaves for you. Have a nice run with the dogs and good luck on the baths.

Cailyn thanks for the hot coffee.....tastes great. Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry have a lovely day!

niteowl hope it cools down for you so you can sleep better at night. We dropped to 45 over night and had one hug thunderboomer role thru here leaving many without power and flooded roads and yards. Have a lovely day!

Connie have fun doing what ever pops up! lol Thanks for the danish!

Gail have a lovely walk with the dogs and a nice day!

Darlene the weekend is upon us!! May work fly and everything go smoothly!! Have a lovely day!

Trippy your house should be in tip-top shape by now with all that rain and having to stay in and clean. lol Happy gaming.

No plans till taxi time.


Edit: L4l you just need to hire Ana. I hear she has lots of experience in that field. lol Have a lovely day!
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 11:33 AM

Nan, I thought of that, but then I'd feel guilty sitting around while she worked. I need robots who I could program to be deliriously happy while cleaning...then I wouldn't feel bad. puppy
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 02:14 PM

Good afternoon boomies! I took the dogs to the river this morning and then gave them both a bath. No sooner did I finish that the skies opened up and now we have quite the thunderstorm. lol The 5 family members from Jersey have landed and will be here shortly and then 7 more coming later this afternoon and of course my grandpuppies too. Full house! yay

At this point anything that happens will be fine. I have done all I can. Life is good...

Evelyne, big hugs dear!
Posted by: Haroula

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 02:43 PM

Every day,we are going to the beach from 5-8.
Junior last summer was all the time in the water.
Now he says I cant,Im afraid,I don't want...
Kids... pacify
Anyway the we have hot and sunny weather. summer
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 02:47 PM

Haroula, I hope that Junior gets over his fear. Do you know why?

Nan, I just saw you hired me out. rotfl
Posted by: Haroula

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 02:55 PM

Well,I think its a matter of time to do it.
I dont want to push him yes wave
Ana is a wedding day for you?
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 03:26 PM

I agree Haroula.

Sunday is wedding day, today is out of town family arriving and BBQ and tomorrow is rehearsal dinner and BBQ at daughters house and Sunday is a looooong wedding day. I have to be at the hotel at 9am and then the wedding is at 4:30 with the reception to follow. Monday will be welcomed. lol
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 03:27 PM

Great jokes today Joe. rotfl
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 03:36 PM

Oh Ana, that is a long day!

Hi ya Quest wave

Haroula, I hope Jr gets over his water fear. Spending time in the water was the only way we all survived summers puppy
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 03:51 PM

Ana I didn't think you would mind helping a friend. lol Hope the rain stops soon. Enjoy the company!!

Haroula this too shall pass. Before ya know it you won't be able to keep him out of the water. lol

L4l lol Guess I shall have to design a cleaning robot for ya.

Space....welcome to the weekend!!!

Well time to be off into the night!! Have a lovely evening all!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 04:59 PM

What a great thing to do, Nan. I shall be waiting puppy
Posted by: Haroula

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 04:59 PM

tired sleep wave
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 07:06 PM

Sleep well, Haroula sleep
Posted by: Midge

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 09:45 PM

Oh Ana, I'm so excited for you. A wedding! I hope you have time to enjoy the day. Hugs my friend. Hi all. Hope you enjoyed the day. I worked a split shift. This old body is hurting tonight. I know I'll feel better in the morning. Have a good night everyone.

Midgiehearts sleep
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 10:11 PM

Midgy, sleep well.

I'm off to bed too. Son and Soot and I beat the monsters in Castle Panic. Son took off to girl friend's house. I'm heading to bed with a book.

Sweet dreams all sleep
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 10:24 PM

Have a great weekend Nan. Good night Boomers. sleep
Posted by: Yankee Clipper

Re: TGIF - 06/21/13 10:45 PM

This post is going to be a quick one because ShemerBaby is walking all over the keyboard.

The 1st day of summer is past -unbelieveable- now the days will get shorter. My my how time flies. Also the full moon tomorrow will be close to earth and will appear larger so get out your telescopes. We had one when the children were little and it got worn out.

Nite nite all
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: TGIF - 06/22/13 12:58 PM

I'm so giggling Yankee. Sorry, but when I read about the full moon and the telescope, I read it as the 'full moon' got worn out. rotfl I guess I'll have to do a tune-up on my brain. Fun. Going to look for that full moon tonight for sure!