Posted By: gymcandy1
Re: TGIF - 07/05/13 03:24 AM
Rerun time again. It's 9:30. Got off late, and have to get up at 3:30am. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
Robert Lee Frost
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.....OOPS! I'll bet you want some jokes.
I'll be back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
10: I've run away to join a different circus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How's that?..........................MORE?
I'll be back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.
9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
10. The coffee machine is broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There!
Good morning ever..Ooooo! There's that Deja Vu thing again
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm a little winded from running back and forth and carrying all those jokes.
I don't mind though.
I love doing charity work.
If I can make some people laugh or smile after eating my cooking, then I feel like I've probably saved a life......or two.
Maybe mine. Whew!
Have you met my new cook Indy?
Indy Gestion?
Have a happy day everyone......and some Tums.
joe
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."
Robert Lee Frost
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.....OOPS! I'll bet you want some jokes.
I'll be back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Office Rules:
10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.
5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
10: I've run away to join a different circus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How's that?..........................MORE?
I'll be back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.
9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
10. The coffee machine is broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There!
Good morning ever..Ooooo! There's that Deja Vu thing again
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm a little winded from running back and forth and carrying all those jokes.
I don't mind though.
I love doing charity work.
If I can make some people laugh or smile after eating my cooking, then I feel like I've probably saved a life......or two.
Maybe mine. Whew!
Have you met my new cook Indy?
Indy Gestion?
Have a happy day everyone......and some Tums.
joe
It's hubby's last day of vacation so it'll be nice to spend some free time with him. 
