Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Day - 07/24/13 04:17 AM
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose.
"I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."
They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness.
"Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said ??50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively.
"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Mmmmm those fish heads were malishious.
I'm not having them for breakfast though.
They don't compliment waffles and syrup.
They insult them.
I only eat fish with a lot of water.
They don't flop around in my stomach that way.
Hmmmmm something smells fishy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose.
"I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it."
They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness.
"Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said ??50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively.
"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?" asks the agent.
"Yes," replies the teller. "He was better dressed each time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Mmmmm those fish heads were malishious.
I'm not having them for breakfast though.
They don't compliment waffles and syrup.
They insult them.
I only eat fish with a lot of water.
They don't flop around in my stomach that way.
Hmmmmm something smells fishy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
One of the first songs I taught Peter when he was little. 
To all awake, 
) 
I tried writing to the company, but I've gotten no response so far except for an automated one that tells me where my download is located. Thanks, that really helped. 
So I may have to request a return, which I don't want to do, but I didn't spend $20 for a JPEG image.
L4L
to your g'son. What kind of cake does he like? Soot loves German Chocolate. I plan to make his while he is in Neb. 
I wish dogs could talk sometimes.
(just pretend