Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 08/09/13 05:57 AM
Man perfected by society is the best of all animals; he is the most terrible of all when he lives without law, and without justice.
Aristotle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" ask the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received
an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the toilet?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everynboomie.
I expected the day after yesterday to come earlier this week.
At least I hoped it would, but It's been a slow week.
It's nothing to be unhappy about.
You know, I'm not happy because it's Friday.
and
I'm not happy because it's payday.
and
I'm not happy because I normally am a happy guy.
I'm not happy.............because it's not my day off.
If you're confused now, then I am happy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Aristotle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:
-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I'm chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren't elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" ask the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received
an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the toilet?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everynboomie.
I expected the day after yesterday to come earlier this week.
At least I hoped it would, but It's been a slow week.
It's nothing to be unhappy about.
You know, I'm not happy because it's Friday.
and
I'm not happy because it's payday.
and
I'm not happy because I normally am a happy guy.
I'm not happy.............because it's not my day off.
If you're confused now, then I am happy.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Sue 
Enjoy your Friday everyone 
Sue, 
Have a great day guys!
I broke two spanner wrenches trying to turn it 