Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 08/20/13 06:19 AM
Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.
John Updike (1932 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!" he shouts, "That was good tequila!"
The Texan replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that."
The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!" he hollers.
The Californian replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that."
The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage.
"What the **** did you do that for!?!" he roars.
"Well," answers the Coloradoan, "where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some [blip] wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."
"Where are you from, son?"
"Texas, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. " I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story...
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I didn't leave work until around 10 after 10, so it's late late now after getting my shower, and I'm ready to get horizontal.
I'm sitting here watching "My Ghost Story".
Jeepers Creepers!!!
I'm so glad I sleep with my little doggie.
She won't protect me, unless it's a ghost of a raccoon, but she will wag her tail so fast it'll blow the ghost away.
If I see a ghost raccoon I'll have to write a story of my own about the experience.
Who knows. Maybe the'll even make a movie about it staring Macaulay Culkin, and Whoopi Goldberg.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
"I see dead animals"
John Updike (1932 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!" he shouts, "That was good tequila!"
The Texan replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that."
The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!" he hollers.
The Californian replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that."
The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage.
"What the **** did you do that for!?!" he roars.
"Well," answers the Coloradoan, "where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some [blip] wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."
"Where are you from, son?"
"Texas, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. " I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story...
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I didn't leave work until around 10 after 10, so it's late late now after getting my shower, and I'm ready to get horizontal.
I'm sitting here watching "My Ghost Story".
Jeepers Creepers!!!
I'm so glad I sleep with my little doggie.
She won't protect me, unless it's a ghost of a raccoon, but she will wag her tail so fast it'll blow the ghost away.
If I see a ghost raccoon I'll have to write a story of my own about the experience.
Who knows. Maybe the'll even make a movie about it staring Macaulay Culkin, and Whoopi Goldberg.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
"I see dead animals"
May all go well!
Just in time for fall. 
The booking was made around 3 weeks ago. 
to your daughter L4L