Fried Day

Posted by: gymcandy1

Fried Day - 09/13/13 12:12 AM

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
Cullen Hightower

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?"

And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

There were these three texans and they were gonna go to mexico to get drunk. Well they go there get drunk and pass out they wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the gaurds what they are in for. The gaurd says the only thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day comes and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The gaurd asks if he has any last words. The guy says " I'm from Baylor University and I beleive in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy gets strapped in and the gaurd asks for his last words. He says " I'm from texas Tech and I beleive in the almighty power of justice to prevail on the innocent." The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy is brought in and he says " I'm a Texas Aggee eeletrical eengineer and I tell you you'll never eelectrocute noone if you don't connect those two wires."

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Do you believe in Power to the People? taz

I hope so because I'm due for a serious power nap. sleep

Do you believe in Love at First Sight?

I hope so. I've been in love with my bed since I first layed eyes on it, as well as the rest of my body. hearts

Do you believe in Forgiveness? yes

I hope so......for the obvious reason(s). blush

Do you believe in Karma? wink

I hope so, then you'll have a happy day. wave

Posted by: Haroula

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 02:18 AM

Good morning Joe and all who come in later. wave
Have a great Friday everybody. smile happydance
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 04:32 AM

Happy Friday Joe,Haroula,and all who follow me in waveI'll get the coffee going and then I'm off to the gym wave
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 04:46 AM

Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Sue. Hope you all have a great Friday! wave
Posted by: connie

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 06:09 AM

Good morning everyone. Not sure what's on the agenda for the day yet. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful TGIF. Danish, BB Pancakes and Cinnamon Buns in the NC. summer
Posted by: venus

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 06:13 AM

Hello and goodbye. wave
Posted by: manxman

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 08:09 AM

Good morning all boomers. wave Hope everyone has a fabulous friday smile
Posted by: GBC

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 08:10 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, thanks for the laughs.

Haroula, good day to you.

Sue, thanks for the coffee. Enjoy the gym.

Gerry, have a great day.

Venus, wishing you an easy workday. How are the kitties doing?

Connie, hope your day is an easy one.

A trip to BJ's is on the agenda this afternoon. Hope everyone will have an enjoyable day today. puppy

Morning Manxman. Didn't see you there!
Posted by: Gimli

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 08:52 AM

help insane zombie

I need wings, please somebody! And I need more hours in a day. 24 hours is waayyyyy to little. Tomorrow we'll drive to Germany (north of Munich), then Sunday Germany, Monday South Tirol Alps and Tuesday or Wednesday our home in Italy. Will come online again mid or end of next week. Nan, again thanks for the Band.
Keep smiling folks (there's nothing else for it .. grin)


Posted by: Darlene

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 09:57 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope you have a happy day, as well! smile

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Shorter work day for me today. happydance

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 10:25 AM

Joe, when is your "weekend"? Have a happy day!

Haroula, is your beach weather over now?

Sue, have a great workout.

Gerry, are the fall colors starting yet?

Connie, can you resume your walks yet? How is hubby?

venus, hope work goes well.

manxman, happy Friday!

Gail, are you enjoying your new routine with the kids back in school?

Evelyne, I can't agree more on the days being too short. I run out of time everyday.
Have a fun and safe trip!

Darlene, I hope you have something fun planned for the early end to your workday.

Ana wave
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 10:30 AM

Good Friday the 13th everyone. wave

I'm still trying to wakey wakey. tired

Two cups off coffee ain't doing it. I may have to go back for a third.

It's so nice to have a day off. I'm pretty sure I earned it.

Another hot day is in store. Surprise!

In about a week we are finally moving back to the upper 80s, and have strong rain in the forecast. I don't want the rain that Colorado is getting, but I hope we get a bunch. bravo

We had a rain shower yesterday but it didn't last nearly long enough.

I hope you all have a super day. rah

Evie that's a lot of travelling. I hope you stay safe. hearts

Ana congrats on your screening. bravo hearts

Darlene, Gail, Manxman, Venus, Connie, Gerry, Sue, Haroula, MaG & all, thanks for being here everyday. You all make my day.....every day. flowers
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 10:50 AM

Joe, hope your doc appt went well yesterday. hearts I wish our heat would have lasted a few more days. I had a wipe-out style obstacle course race tomorrow that I cancelled out of because it will be in the 40's when it starts and in the first obstacle you have to swim. I don't have a wet suit and I am not running for a couple hours wet and cold.
I hope you get your rain!

Ana wave
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 11:12 AM

Ana not yet...35C. we had yestarday and today. yes summer
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 11:32 AM

It's FOGGY! Lovely cool morning here.

Last night 2 hours before the Big Brother show, our cable went out all over the neighborhood. It was off for 1 1 /2 hours and finally came back on just in time. Geez. Add to that my phone is linked to my cable and internet so I was without all 3 for that time. What fun.

BIG spider crawled up my bare leg during Big Brother, causing me to jump up and brush it off on the floor but I never found it! Huge thingy, I've seen them in the house before, but where did it go? Nightmares..ha.

Pricing my Chesterfield Leather Sofa to replace my old falling apart one. So far the closest store to get one (30 miles away) gave me a quote of $4795, and that was, as he said, 'the base price', and the final would depend on what leather, etc. I chose AND I could have it in as little as 12-16 weeks! Yikes! I could buy a small car for that price and 4 months of waiting? Not gonna fly on that one.

Found on the net, some very similar, made in England, shipped over here in about 4-6 weeks and total price with shipping is about 2000. Much better deal. I've sent for leather samples to see if it's quality or cheap thin stuff. My old one is 18 years old and except for the massive cat damage, is still working 'innards wise'. I'd hope the next one will last that long.

Have no idea why it's so hard to locate a leather chesterfield sofa anywhere around here. See them on every TV show, in the offices of lawyers and other officials. Simple design, classic, but can I find one on the showroom floor???? Not in 18 years. All special order and nothing to look at or touch up close and personal. Weird.

Last one was a 'floor sample' which the store was thrilled to get rid of and said they would never have another one. This was a very GOOD store. Guess nobody likes them but me. headscratch
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 02:25 PM

Jr. was stung by a wasp in his sole in the beach today...
Imagine what happened next cry
I called the pediatrist,then to pharmacy and still cry
Then ideaI gave him a chocolate bar and thumbsup lol
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 02:26 PM

Awwwww Haroula, I'm so sorry. Wasp stings can be nasty.

My net and phone and cable are all up and down today....wave
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 02:44 PM

Went to the river with the dogs this morning and found a lost dog. Called 911 and the guy was rude, rude, rude and would not help. The dog had no collar and Merlin would not allow me to capture it so I lost her. Then I joined forces with another lady and after a half hour we found her again and was able to get a leash around her and hang on to her. She was an old Catahouna Leopard and was thankful to be on the leash. We had to chase both her dogs and mine away because none were too happy we had another one. rotfl Jealous dogs! I called Animal control and they had a frantic lady on the other line who was looking for her. Happy day! We stayed there for another 15 minutes until she came. It was a happy reunion!

Haroula, glad that Jr is happy again. If you have powdered meat tenderizer available it will draw the stinger out and get rid of the swelling and pain. If not and you can get bentonite clay, that helps too.

Sorta, good luck in finding a replacement couch. Maybe you can get yours restored cheaper.

L4L, hope you can get your net stable. It's frustrating when it does that.

Posted by: Haroula

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 03:25 PM

Ana thanks
sleep wave
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 03:41 PM

bravo did a good thing today! puppy

Up for the nonce, but it's storming so we shall see!
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 04:31 PM

Good Afternoon Boomies!! Yes Mr. Java Joe, we hope your appt went well yesterday. Hope you have a safe trip Evelyne. Awww, poor little Jr. Glad he was pacified! Sorta, I hope you find your couch but even more so I hope you never see that spider again. I do not like them in my home. There is a thing called the Spider Dance which might equal any that Ana does..except in duration, lol. Our green beans are so late this year but just picked about three pounds of them..the ones the bunnies haven't nibbled off half way!! Hope your internet quits acting up, L4L. I am off to blanch and freeze the beans so Happy Gaming everyone!! wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 04:31 PM

Well what an unexpected day I have had. Granddaughter had to go and put deposit money on her place and get the keys so I have had Abbi all day. So we spent the day at the park. Such fun!!! They are all home now and now it is time to head out with the taxi!!

Hope that everybody is having a wonderful day!

Evelyne prayers for the Band around you and hubby as you do all that traveling!! Have some fun while you are at it!! hearts

Ana what a wonderful lthing you did today with the lost dog. thumbsup

Off I go.......

Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 04:32 PM

Thanks for the jokes Joe. thumbsup
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 06:39 PM

He everyone. wave

I've had a real nice day, and now it's time to get ready for an early work day again. yes

I hope you all had a super one. rah rah rah

Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 07:22 PM

Great lost/found dog story! Love a happy ending. Thank goodness people are willing to help (well some of them are minus the 911 guy).

Went to Wally Mart and bought 5 boxes of 8 each ice cream drumsticks. Good price on sale. Taste yummy in this hot weather. I will keep them away from my friend/tenant who I walk with every day. He looks like he's having twins. Have no idea how his tummy got that big. Wow. duh
Posted by: Midge

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 09:01 PM

Ana you sre an angel. kissy. Time to call it a day. See you in the morning.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 09:08 PM

Oh Ana!! how did I miss that? What a wonderful thing you did in spite of the jealousy!! You went out of your way to reunite them. karma is a good thing!!! yes
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 09:38 PM

Good evening boomies! Hubby and I ran his weekend errands so he is free to play all weekend.
I know that all of you would have done the same if you could for the dog. I actually thought she was abandoned so I couldn't be happier she had a loving mom looking for her. puppy

I am in the corner until bedtime now.....enough procrastinating.

Ana wave
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 10:27 PM

Ana praise You have a loving heart. hearts
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 11:11 PM

Ana hope the corner is kind to you!!!

Time to find my pillow. Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Fried Day - 09/13/13 11:21 PM

Night all, sweet dreams sleep