Posted By: gymcandy1
Sunday Morning Sunshine - 09/15/13 04:07 AM
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan (1934 - 1996)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"
"No, I guess not," says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, "Why did you let him do that?"
To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love, Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
It there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Can anybody here read lips??
I wonder if they're singing Sounds of Silence.
I was trying to think more positively about my sister yesterday while doing some chores, and it worked. It felt really good.
I pride myself for being a below average person.
Did you know that the average person will swallow no less than 8 spiders in their lifetime while sleeping?
I sleep with a little bowl of au jus next to my pillow. Just in case.
Maybe I should say, "jus in case".
You know how you close your eyes, and hold your breath, and remain very still when in the presence of danger, in the hope that it won't see you?
Well, I just survived Friday the 13th in a house with not 1, but 2 black cats........................and my sister.
Speaking of Halloween, I've decided what I'm going as this year.....................my sister.
I mean really. Every time I see her putting on make up I think what's the point?
SAVE THE MONEY!!!
Children are starving in China ya know!
I'm sure I've been desensitized some over the last 62 years, but I imagine some people would rather look at a babbling baboon's behind.
I know I'm going to hell for that.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Remember, if life gives you prunes, make prune juice and serve it to them.
That'll teach 'em
Carl Sagan (1934 - 1996)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"
"No, I guess not," says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, "Why did you let him do that?"
To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love, Mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
It there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Can anybody here read lips??
I wonder if they're singing Sounds of Silence.
I was trying to think more positively about my sister yesterday while doing some chores, and it worked. It felt really good.
I pride myself for being a below average person.
Did you know that the average person will swallow no less than 8 spiders in their lifetime while sleeping?
I sleep with a little bowl of au jus next to my pillow. Just in case.
Maybe I should say, "jus in case".
You know how you close your eyes, and hold your breath, and remain very still when in the presence of danger, in the hope that it won't see you?
Well, I just survived Friday the 13th in a house with not 1, but 2 black cats........................and my sister.
Speaking of Halloween, I've decided what I'm going as this year.....................my sister.
I mean really. Every time I see her putting on make up I think what's the point?
SAVE THE MONEY!!!
Children are starving in China ya know!
I'm sure I've been desensitized some over the last 62 years, but I imagine some people would rather look at a babbling baboon's behind.
I know I'm going to hell for that.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Remember, if life gives you prunes, make prune juice and serve it to them.
That'll teach 'em
Have a lovely day!
