Posted by: gymcandy1

Tuesday - 09/17/13 01:46 AM

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison (1934 - )

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. "

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?".

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar,
announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say,
you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at
birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20
pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer,
wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
said, "Had him circumcised."

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bottom?"

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "[blip]! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

It's dark thirty here, and I've been sitting on the couch with my head back, and my mouth open catching flies for the last half hour. tired

Shucks I'm out of au jus. rolleyes

Anyway I'm super behind on my sleep this year. sleep

Coincidentally I just happen to have a super behind. snicker

At least that's what I've been told, and not by my sister either. shame

She thinks I have a super big mouth. shocked

I told her she's super immature to say something like that, but I suppose compared to her brain size she's right. na na na na na razz

Anywho it doesn't matter how late I stay up, I always have to get up at the same time, so if I want to get my fair share of shut eye, I had better get to that state soon.

The state of asleepness that is.

Have a happy day everyone.

Posted by: Haroula

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 02:59 AM

Good morning boomers wave
Sunny and hot again.
Have all a happy day. smile happydance
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 03:09 AM

Good morning Joe,Haroula,and all who are to follow wave Haroula glad you have sun and warmth,It's 50 degrees here a little chilly! So I'll get the coffee going to warm up a bit! Enjoy your day everyone sherlock
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 05:10 AM

Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe sweet dreams. Haroula I hope it cools off for you. Cailyn it's cold here to this morning. Nice walking weather. Wishing you all a Happy Day! summer
Posted by: connie

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 06:30 AM

Good morning everyone. It's still Hot, Hot, Hot, here and will be for another month at least. I'm happy to share the heat with all who would like it. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, Muffins, and French Toast in the NC. summer
Posted by: manxman

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 08:23 AM

Good morning all. Chilly up here in Canada too. But that is not news is it? lol
Hope everyone has a terrific tuesday wave
Posted by: GBC

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 08:27 AM

Good Morning Boomers,

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Haroula, enjoy your weather as it was in the 40's here this morning.

Sue, coffee please it's cold! You're warmer than we are.

Gerry, have a great day!

Connie, please send heat. taz

I can't believe it was in the 90's last week and our heat is on this morning. Good old New England. Wishing everyone a super day! penguin
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 09:56 AM

Good morning boomies! I think we will be turning the heat on shortly. I'm freezing in this house! We got down to 45. I'm off to dance with Sam in a little bit. A great way to start my day. Finished my project last night so I am free at the moment. yay

Joe, I hope your day goes just as you want it to. hearts

Haroula, I'm jealous!

Sue, have a happy day!

Gerry, glad you enjoy the crisp morning walks.

Connie, yes please on the heat. yes

manxman, have a wonderful day!

Gail, can you convince my hubby to turn the hwat on? grin Have a great day!

Hi Ho, Hi ho...it's off to dance I go.

Ana wave
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 10:01 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a terrific Tuesday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Yoga tonight with daughter... hearts

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 10:04 AM

Yoga sounds wonderful Darlene. What kind do you do? Have a great day.

Ana wave
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 11:28 AM

Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

Hubby and I were up and out early. Twas dark and we got to see a beautiful sunrise. Keoki was feeling his wheaties this morning...had to almost run to keep up with him at first.

Boys will be here in a bit....wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 11:51 AM

Sassy and I were up and took a nice really long and brisk walk this morning as it was like 30 out there, but the sun is shinning and warming it up!!

Joe have a lovely day and thanks for the laughs!

Haroula enjoy the heat and have a lovely day!

Oh Cailyn hot coffee sounds like just the thing, thanks!! Have a lovely day!

Gerry hope you have a lovely walk and day!

Connie.....yes please!!! lol Have a lovely day and thanks for the danish!

Manxman hope the sun is shinning there and warming it up! Have a lovely day!

Gail heat already??? Must be a bit cool. lol Sounds like hot chocolate weather. Have a lovely day and may the suns rays warm the air!!

Oh Ana the dancing will surely warm you up! lol Have fun and enjoy the company and free time!! Have a lovely day!

Darlene may all go smoothly today! Have fun at Yoga with daughter!! Have a lovely day!

L4l sounds like a fun time in the park this morning. Have a lovely day!

No plans yet but ya never know around here. lol

Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 01:29 PM

Hello everybody. I've been running around doing chores this morning. wave

I'm on my way out the door to work and {{{TGIF}}}. penguin

I just have to make it to 10:00 tonight. yes

I hope you all have a fantastic day. happydance

{{{IT'S FRIDAYYYY!!!}}} woot

wave joe
Posted by: JennyP

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 03:42 PM

Evening all !!!
um, Joe, its actually Tuesday, sorry ...
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 04:40 PM

sleep wave
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 06:26 PM

Hi Boomers! Hi Jenny, great to see you here!!! Company gone..been here since Saturday. They painted the place and moved in a lot of their stuff. Hubby helped them while I did garden produce and made dinners. Lots of enjoyment but tiring to these old people, haha. Ah, to nap or game. Happy Gaming everyone!!! wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 06:30 PM

Running late today. Hi Boomers. wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 09:09 PM

Good night Boomers. sleep
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 09:29 PM

Looks like I never submitted my late afternoon post. oops

SpaceQ, good day and good night. hearts

Lotus, that is so sweet of you to put them up while their house was getting ready. Company is nice, but it's a lot of work. lol

Haroula, sweet dreams.

Jenny, always a pleasure to see you! It's Joe's Friday because he is off tomorrow. lol

Joe, only 90 minutes to go! yay

Nan, what did you end up doing today? I was back in the corner by 3. rotfl It was a short lived absence.

L4L, hope you had a great day.

Ana wave
Posted by: Midge

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 10:29 PM

Hey Jenny my friend. So good to see you.

Going to bed now. Tomorrow is my day off. Going to enjoy it.

Midgie hearts sleep
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 10:31 PM

Bed time guys, sweet dreams sleep
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Tuesday - 09/17/13 10:59 PM

Sweet dreams Midgie and L4L.
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Tuesday - 09/18/13 12:00 AM

Ana I did a whole lot of nothing today. lol Some gaming, some cleaning and lots of walking with Sassy since it turned out to be nice and hit 70 for a high!!

Sorry your freedom was so short lived. lol May the corner be kind.

Well Night Space and L4l and Midge!!

Time here to think about heading that way also, so Night everybody sleep well and kpleasant dreams!!