Hump Day

Posted by: gymcandy1

Hump Day - 10/22/13 06:58 PM

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
Cicero (106 BC - 43 BC)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?"

His new bride smiled sweetly and said, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clock-whether you're here or not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed.

"No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news."

The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like.

The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00. The patient could not help but ask; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS


Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I am extremely tired from two days of doing dirt work at our entry, in order to clean it up and make it look nicer. tired

There is a ton of work to do around this place before we can list it for sale. smirk

Now I have three 5:00 work days before my weekend off, and I HAVE to get to bed on time tonight, so I'm posting this early early. yes

I don't want ANYONE to read it until tomorrow morning you hear? shame

Having worked out at the entry all day I didn't get any chores done inside, except for two loads of laundry.

Maybe my sister will make herself useful for a change. rolleyes

I'm joking. blush

Have a happy day everyone. rah

joe
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 10/22/13 08:22 PM

Awww Joe, you are selling the house? Have you decided where you will go? hearts

Have a happy day everyone!

I have Insanity in the morning, a dog run before poor Shadow explodes since it's been two days and then the rest of the day in the corner.

Ana wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Hump Day - 10/22/13 08:42 PM

Have a great Wednesday Joe and Ana. thumbsup
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 10/22/13 08:56 PM

You too SpaceQ! hearts
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 01:38 AM

Good morning Joe,Ana,SpaceQ and and all who follow. wave
Have all a nice day. smile happydance
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 04:44 AM

Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, and Haroula. Joe if you move I hope it won't be far from where you hunt for arrowheads. Ana I'll bet you need that dog run as much as Shadow! SpaceQ and Haroula enjoy your day. Wishing everyone a Happy Wednesday! Cailyn coffee is on! fall
Posted by: connie

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 06:43 AM

Good morning everyone. A trip to the bank and BJ's today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Hump day. Danish, Pumpkin Waffles, and Sausage in the NC. fall
Posted by: GBC

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 09:19 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope you find a wonderful place after the house is sold.

Ana, Anymore snow? Enjoy the dog run and I hope the corner time runs smoothly for you.

Space, good morning.

Haroula, enjoy the day!

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Sue, are you doing okay?

Connie, Danish sounds great! Have a nice day!

Quiet day here today. Family Night at church tonight. Hope everyone has a good day!
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 10:05 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Sounds like a busy time for you! Hope you find some easy peasy time somewhere in your day today!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 10:50 AM

Aw Joe sorry you have to sell the place and move, again. Do you have another place in mind? May work go well and the time fly till your weekend off!! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana enjoy class and have a good run with the dogs! May the corner move right along and be kind. Have a lovely day! BTW: How is Merlins foot??

Space may you have a wonderful day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee. Best thing on a cool day like today!! Have a lovely day!

Connie have fun shoppity shopping!! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day! I heard this morning that there is going to be a big dip in the jet stream so maybe some cool will came that way for you!

Gail enjoy the nice and quiet day! Have a wondedrful time at Family Night!!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly! Have a lovely day!

No plans till taxi time, that is if it is running today!

wave
Nan
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 10:52 AM

Good morning boomies! It was 28 this morning and the bed was inviting me to stay longer. lol

Haroula, have a great day! How are you all feeling?

Gerry, I do indeed some fresh air! We have no fall colors this year, how is by you?

Sue, hope all is well.

Connie, include a nice lunch out with hubby while running errands. grin

Gail, the snow melted as it fell but our xpressways were a disaster this morning from black ice. The entire newscast was just reporting one accident after another. Enjoy your day!

Darlene, happy hump day!

Nan, you posted as I was typing. lol Merlin's foot it still swollen between the toes but the swelling is half of what it was. He occasionally licks it but leaves it alone if I tell him to quit.
Stay warm and be careful if you go out tonight! I bet Florida is looking better every day. grin

Ana wave


Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 12:54 PM

Wonderful Wednesday ya'll puppy

I was up earlyish (for me...means before 10) and have been doing a little of this, some of that, and lots of theother. My Keoki is a little needy this morning....I think he is taking advantage, the little stinker.

Today is vet day...Kman gets a check up and a laser treatment. I'm hoping they will let us wander-walk him for a few minutes each day, but 6 weeks is hovering in my mind and it's only been 4. Keoki is obviously bored and wants to move.

It's cool out there, but sunny. Couldn't ask for much better weather. wave
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 01:58 PM

Hi Boomies!! Still morning here on the West Coast. Still foggy and drizzly and coldish. Nice fire in the stove alleviates that though. Are you still in the corner Ana? Hope you have a great visit with your Mum, Midgie. Awww Joe, sorry you have to sell your home. Hope everything works out well for you. Hi SpaceQ , Haroula, Gerry, Connie and Gail and Darlene, hope you are all having a good day respectively. Hey Nan, a kidnapping?? Glad you survived, wink. Hope Keoki gets a good report L4L. Happy Gaming everyone!!! wave
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 02:25 PM

Off to the vet. Back later wave
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 04:17 PM

luck looney puppy

I hope this last half of the week goes fast for everyone. yay
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 04:31 PM

sleep wave
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 06:00 PM

Hello B's & G's. wave

One day down. Two to go. bravo

I had a super day. Busy & brisk. woot

Now I've had my din din and my shower and got everything ready for tomorrow's day. happydance

Just gotta get tomorrow's diner going and see what kind of time I have left.

I really don't know what I'm going to do after we sell this place. It could be another year before we find a buyer, who knows? duh

I am considering moving either to Amarillo Texas, back close to my home town, or possibly to Oregon where my son lives. yes

Moving...tired...ugh

I wish everyone a nice evening. smile

joe

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 06:35 PM

Back from the vet. Bread rising on the stove.

Keoki's vet visit was great. His knee is doing great! We can start doing 1/4 mile walks at the park where it is flat. We will slowly increase the distance as tolerated by the Kman.

Then we will add in some hills by walking up and down our street for very short distances. The vet told us to expect about 8 mos to total heal if we are diligent.

No jumping onto things, but he can walk sedately up and down the stairs, and go wander around our back yard if the other dogs aren't out there. Will only do that though after dark so he doesn't go out and chase chipmunks.

So, step by step, we are getting there puppy

Joe, hugs to you!
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 07:27 PM

L4L, that is great news that Keoki is healing well. yay

Joe, I hope that whatever change you have to make that it will be one that is good for your soul. hearts

Haroula, Sweet dreams.

SpaceQ, only two more days to go!

Lotus, I will be in the corner for three more days. Then I will be off Sunday! yay
Keep warm!
Posted by: Midge

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 08:28 PM

L4L that's great news about Keoki. I hope he continues to improve.
I'm watching the Red Sox world series game one but it's delayed because of rain. GO SOX rah I was in the grocery store this afternoon and I got a call from my sister....the sister that has so much turmoil in her life. We haven't talked since just after Bill....her husband... died. She sounds very well. Clear headed and happy. I'm glad she's doing well. For those of you who don't know, she is an alcoholic and a drug addict that has almost destroyed herself. It was very hard to hear the details of what was going on in her life, but now she's in a facility for people like her. What she doesn't know is that she won't be able to stay there. The place she's living is called Golden Pond. I have looked it up on the webb. It's a beautiful place. She ruined her chances to stay there when she slit her wrists again about three weeks ago. The place she's at is trying to find another facility that she can live at. They can't keep her because they say they they can't keep her safe. It's just so sad. She had a beautiful condo but lost it. I guess she lost everything because of her addiction. Anyway she sounds very good right now. I hope it continues.

Back to watching the game.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: Lotus777

Re: Hump Day - 10/23/13 09:56 PM

Midgie, that is so sad about your sis. I hope she can keep it together. Hope the Sox do well!!! L4L, very happy to hear Keoki is progressing so nicely. How old is he anyway? If you don't mind...you've probably been asked that a few times.... Joe, go West Young Man!! Oregon is a great state with incredible diversity. At risk of being too nosy, what part does your son live in? Ana, you stay warm too. We have a great supply of firewood this year so should be okay. I must have it warm and toasty!! lolI am off to join hubby in front of that addictive screen . Two NCIS taped and ready to go. Good Night Boomers!! wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Hump Day - 10/24/13 12:21 AM

L4l that is good news about Keoki!!! Keep up the good work!

Ana glad you will have Sunday off. Hope the project moves right along and the puzzles go smoothly! Glad Merlins foot seems to be improving!!

Aw Midge Hugs to you and your sis! Adding her to my list and sending prayers for her. I see your Sox won game #1!!

Lotus yup! They nab me and we head for teh casino to play BINGO! I haven't been there in quite some time as I usually play at the Moose Lodge on Monday nights. I have relatives out there also but haven't been out that way in a long time.

Well time to find my pillow. Night all sleep well and pleasant dreams!!

Oh the taxi did not run tonight!!

sleep
Nan