Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Moaning - 11/04/13 01:06 AM
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Boobs."
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year old woman he said, "I'm sorry though, but she has seniority"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.
What do you think you're doing? asks the wife.
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.
What do you think you're doing asks the husband?
Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Good morning everyboomie.
My little one day off is over. Now it's 4 days back on.
I haven't recovered from the last 6 days.
I did recover my bed however, after washing my sheets today.
It's nice to be able to recover something.
On my next day off I'm hoping to recover the change I lost in the couch.
Maybe after that I can recover my wits.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Boobs."
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year old woman he said, "I'm sorry though, but she has seniority"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.
What do you think you're doing? asks the wife.
They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies.
Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.
What do you think you're doing asks the husband?
Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Good morning everyboomie.
My little one day off is over. Now it's 4 days back on.
I haven't recovered from the last 6 days.
I did recover my bed however, after washing my sheets today.
It's nice to be able to recover something.
On my next day off I'm hoping to recover the change I lost in the couch.
Maybe after that I can recover my wits.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Thanks for starting the week out right Joe. 
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana and Haroula. This time change is tough! I got up at 3AM and couldn't get back to sleep. 
Coffee is ready! 
Happy Day All! 
Where did everybody go????