Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Mourning - 11/11/13 07:12 AM
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
~~~~~~~
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg? Phew, that one's easy, says the teacher, The Titanic. Alright, said St.Peter, you may pass.
Then the thief got his question: How many died on the Titanic? The thief replied, That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people. And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: Name them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
~~~~
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No no, I give up, you can have the duck.
~~~~~~~~~~
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyone in Gameboomers.
A beautiful Monday morning to you.
If that's possible.
Actually I am so happy I'm beside myself.
If I were any better I'd be twins.
In 2wo days,
two days I'll begin a week off. 
It's almost like starting a whole new chapter in my life.
I'm very much looking forward to meeting new people, and going to new places..............to hunt arrowheads.
I'll never forget my friends here at Gameboomers, and I wish you all the best in the future.
Have a happy life everyone.
joe
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
~~~~~~~
Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.
The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg? Phew, that one's easy, says the teacher, The Titanic. Alright, said St.Peter, you may pass.
Then the thief got his question: How many died on the Titanic? The thief replied, That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people. And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: Name them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
~~~~
Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No no, I give up, you can have the duck.
~~~~~~~~~~
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyone in Gameboomers.
A beautiful Monday morning to you.
If that's possible.
Actually I am so happy I'm beside myself.
If I were any better I'd be twins.
In 2wo days,
two days I'll begin a week off. It's almost like starting a whole new chapter in my life.
I'm very much looking forward to meeting new people, and going to new places..............to hunt arrowheads.
I'll never forget my friends here at Gameboomers, and I wish you all the best in the future.
Have a happy life everyone.
joe
you put a big smile on my face this morning Joe .. grin
L4L
Have a lovely day and stay warm.
I thought I stopped in earlier but I must have gotten sidetracked. I went grocery shopping and I am in laundry land and after I post I am headed to ForEyes to pick out new glasses. Apparently all the Paula Deen glasses were recalled by manufacturer so there are no more. They are going to have to make me a new pair. 
