Thump Day

Posted by: gymcandy1

Thump Day - 11/13/13 09:17 PM

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
Alexander Woollcott

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

I slipped and fell one time, and broke my fracas. lol

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A lawyer's dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Definitely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Where has this week gone? Thursday already. shocked

I have a few plans lined up for today. I plan on brushing my teeth. grin

No telling when I'll need to flash those pearly whites again. evil

After that I'll probably play it by ear. yes

I've been taking lessons and I'm getting pretty good now, although I'm getting some callouses on my ear. razz

Have a happy day everyone. happydance

Posted by: Midge

Re: Thump Day - 11/13/13 09:26 PM

Thanks Joe for opening for all of us again. Sorry you didn't find any arrow heads. I'm heading for bed now. See you on the flip side. Night.

Midgie hearts
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Thump Day - 11/13/13 09:32 PM

Joe, I hope you can sleep in and wake headache free.
Have a happy day!

Midgie, hope it's a great day for you! BB Pancakes to celebrate your daughters success!

Have a great day everyone!
Posted by: Haroula

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 01:26 AM

Good morning,I hope you have a happy day. happydance
Congrats to your daughter Midge smile bravo
Time for my morning walk. wink wave
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 05:08 AM

Good Morning Joe, Midgie, Ana and Haroula. Joe better luck time in your search for arrow heads. Midgie congrats to your daughter. Ana wishing you a stress free day. Haroula enjoy your walk. Happy Day wished for everyone! pumpkin
Posted by: connie

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 07:09 AM

Good morning everyone. Midge, Congrats to your daughter. happydance It's 51 now, but by Sunday it is supposed to get to 86. The temps sure are strange this year. I think we will go to Costco today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Thump day. Danish, Muffins, Bacon Sandwiches, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. fall
Posted by: GBC

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 07:20 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, time flies when you're having fun.

Midgie, congrats to your daughter.

Ana, enjoy whatever plans today.

Haroula, enjoy your walk.

Gerry, have a great day.

Connie, glad your weather will be getting warmer. 50's must feel really cold to you. That's warm for us up this way. lol

Grocery shopping is on the agenda later today.
Posted by: gymcandy1

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 09:57 AM

Good morning gang. wave

How does your garden grow this morning? happydance

That's a metaphor for life. grin

It's cold and cloudy this morning, so my garden is not growing at all. shocked

I'm waiting for it to warm up a bit, then I'll get out and start doing clean up again. I've gotta collect a lot of limbs laying about and pile them up and burn them, do some more mowing, clean the gutters, and some more what knots. yes
I hope everyone has a super day today. thumbsup

Posted by: Darlene

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 09:59 AM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have an absolutely fantastic Thump Day!

Hey, Midgie! kissy Congratulations to Pam! Woohoo!! bravo

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
Posted by: flutist

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 10:10 AM

Good morning y'all.

Wow Midgie, congrats to Pam. Has she got a nursing job yet?

The sun is shining here. Woo hoo. Will be taking Cory for his first walk very soon.

Can you believe this month is nearly half over? Before we know it, it will be turkey day, then after that, time to decorate the house for Christmas. Anyone have their shopping finished yet? Not me.

Have a great day everyone.

Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 10:48 AM

Joe thanks for the laughs this morning. Enjoy your time off and don't work too hard out there.

Midge enjoy the pancakes and have a lovely day!

Ana hope the project is moving right along for you. Have a lovely day and a fun run with the dogs.

Haroula have a lovely walk and a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and enjoy your walk. Have a lovely day!

Connie shoppity shop!! lol Have a lovely day and thanks for teh danish!

Gail want my list too? lol Have fun shopping and have a lovely day!

Darlene may work fly and everything go smoothly! Have a lovely day!

Bets glad the sun is shinning there as it is MIA here. lol Time surely does fly when one is having fun! Before we know it, it will be a new year. eek

Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 12:01 PM

Quiet and calm outside. Strange day. Trash day of course when all the cans are out front from my house and my two tenant's houses.

Due to the interloper parker right in front of my gate where I NEED to drag my cans, I put mine out early, went down to my friend/tenant and begged for as many cans as he had to 'fill in' the space so the sedan couldn't park there. We space the cans so there wasn't a big enough spot to get a car in.

I really expected him to move my cans so he could park. It's been done before, but I can't remember who I caught doing that. Long ago, but might be the same guy, dunno.

Didn't see his car all night, checked at 4:30 am when I needed the facilities, and no car anywhere on the block. Strange. BUT this morning at 8am, there he was up the block in front of the house directly across from 'his' apartments.

Gonna be a fun day. I'm leaving my trash cans out as long as the law will allow me to thwart his efforts to park in his new favorite spot.

It is now WAR. I'm on a campaign to keep him somewhere else. I don't think other neighbors care as much if cars are parked in front of their houses, but I haven't asked them. My immediate neighbor, (directly next to and sharing a fence with the apartments) doesn't complain. He doesn't want 'bad' things to happen to him AGAIN. There were a few incidents in the past when the apartment owner retaliated in stupid ways. Too much to go in to. Just stupid, but made the neighbor back off and just let them do whatever they wanted. Part of it was theft, burning of the fence, and stealing of trash cans. Oh well.

Hopefully I can win this one. I'm sure trying.

Ah but the fun is that this morning, after the 'yard waste' truck picked up my trash, ANOTHER yard waste truck went by, STOPPED and waved and said Hi. He just dropped by to see ME. I guess I've got an admirer. Then the went up the block to his own 'area'. Very funny. Guess he likes me. I am beginning to recognize my trash guys now. rotfl
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 02:48 PM

Ahhhhh, Keoki and I are just back from a wonderful walk. Blue skies and bright sunshine. Not shorts weather but very pleasant. Now it's time to cook the books. wave
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 03:14 PM

Good afternoon boomies. Lovely day here a bit chilly but sunny. yay The dogs and I took a nice hike and then I went back to the corner.
We are heading out for a much needed nail trim for them and then it's back to the corner until Insanity tonight.

I really need more hours in a day, I feel like I am always rushing through everything. lol

Have a happy day! Almost Friday. yay
Posted by: Drmojo

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 03:26 PM

Afternoon Boom Boom Buddies wave

Congrats to your daughter Midge flowers

Have a nice day Joe, Ana, Nan, Midge, Gerry,
Connie, Gail, Bets, L4L. sorta, Darleen,
Haroula, and to anybody else I missed wave

I have to go to the barn and clean out
Mojo's tack locker, not looking forward
to it sad cry

Karen puppy
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 03:34 PM

awww....big bear hugs to you Doc. hearts
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 03:53 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 06:52 PM

Aw Karen HUGS!! Prayers that all goes well for you!

Ana glad you got a run in with the dogs. Have fun at class tonight.

Space have a nice evening. Only one more!!

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 07:07 PM

Oh Doc, big ole hugs coming your way.
Posted by: Midge

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 09:42 PM

Karen I'm sure I can say that all of us here at GB are sending you a group hug my Dear. We all love you and can feel your pain. Ana thank you for the BB pancakes this morning. I need to celebrate her accomplishment. She sure earned it. hearts

I need to say good night now. I have an early shift in the morning. Hi L4L kissy

Midgie hearts sleep
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 11:23 PM

Bed time....Sweet dreams all sleep
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Thump Day - 11/14/13 11:44 PM

Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!