Posted by: gymcandy1

Thump - 01/30/14 01:10 AM

To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "Let's see you make a canoe out of this!"

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my [blip]. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your [blip] back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright ?"

The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.

Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend ?"

The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"

"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"

Good morning Boomers! welcome

It's a new day, but in effect it's 'New day, SOS.' rolleyes

At least it's Friday for me, and I have to close again, from 1:00 to whenever. yes

All the managers at work were running around screaming "The sky is falling!" because of corporate visitors coming today, so it's the usual scrub scrub, work work, get everything perfect. rolleyes

I say if they expected everything to be perfect in our store, they wouldn't come to inspect us in the first place. snicker

Give 'em something to complain about for Pete's sake. wink

I don't like to complain personally but, it's too late, I'm too tired, and I'm freezing. taz

I just ate some ice cream. shiver

Have a happy day everyone.

Posted by: Haroula

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 02:08 AM

Good morning Joe and all. wave
Have a great day everyone. happydance penguin
Posted by: cailyn

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 03:59 AM

Good morning Joe,Haroula waveBrr...It's cold out shiverCoffee and hot chocolate are a waiting in the corner,happy day wished for all winter
Posted by: Kaki's Sister

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 04:20 AM

Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe hope you day doesn't seem to long! Haroula enjoy your day too. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. It's cole here too. Wishing everyone a great day! penguin penguin
Posted by: connie

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 06:19 AM

Good morning everyone. Rainy and cold here for the second day in a row. They had snow that actually stuck in North Florida. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Thursday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and Cinnamon Buns in the NC. winter
Posted by: GBC

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 07:02 AM

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Haroula, happy day is wished.

Sue, coffee to warm up please.

Gerry, stay warm.

Connie, thanks for the Danish. Snow? Wow!

Everybody is feeling the cold. Wishing a warm feeling inside for All! Doc appointment this morning then home to catch up on gaming. puppy
Posted by: manxman

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 09:01 AM

Good morning boomers. wave Hope everyone is enjoying their Thursday smile
Posted by: auntiegram

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 10:27 AM

Joe may your Friday fly and go well even though all those 'higher-ups' will be there. Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Sue thanks for the 'hot' drinks as they hit the spot. Stay warm and have a lovely day!

Gerry do you walk outside in the cold? Have a lovely day!

Oh Connie, snow in Florida???? What strange weather we are having this winter. Thankls for the danish and have a lovely day!

Gail best of luck with the dco appointment and Happy gaming!!! Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Abbi day!!!

Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 11:11 AM

Off to my 3D Extreme class. Still hurting from last nights Insanity. Then I have to stop at the store because my vegetable bins are empty. eek It's a dire situation.

Then I will sadly be in the corner the rest of the day. I am ridiculously behind.

Nan, happy Abbi day!

Have an awesome day everyone! hearts
Posted by: Darlene

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 12:06 PM

wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your day goes as smoothly as possible for you!

Hey, Nan! Happy Abbi day, as well!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Caught a flu bug, will be hunkering at home today....

Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 01:51 PM

Thumping Good Thursday puppy

It's a bright, sunny day happydance Still below freezing. It is supposed to get to the mid 40's today. If it does, I might get the monkeys out. Then again, I might not...May wait until tomorrow. Head went wonky last night and hasn't found itself yet.

Hubby reported back to work at noon. I spent the morning reclaiming my kitchen island and improvising a smoothie as we are out of a lot of stuff.

I'm not sure how I'll spend the afternoon. I may very well just head back to bed with the monkeys, cuddle up, and read and sleep. wave
Posted by: Sorta Blonde

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 02:08 PM

Still no call from insurance. Darn darn. I looked back in my 'notes' and I guess the first gal said it would be 24-48 hours. Sigh. That means another full day at home.

I did however rush out early to look at the 'scene' and see if I actually heard screeching. Yup, I did. The tire marks from HER vehicle are clear and dark and show her slamming on her brakes way back from where she hit me and actually show marking ON the center divide where she attempted to pull to the left to avoid me. I was fully in the turn lane (checked the google map as to my location entering the turn lane) and she must have come up fast from behind or out of a driveway behind me and when I slowed down because the turn light went red, she must have been trying to 'beat the light' as is common for that busy intersection and instead found me who had slowed and couldn't avoid hitting me. Hope the insurance people see the same thing. It's really obvious from where I was and the skid marks from her. Of course, her insurance will take her side and I'm afraid I will be left with a nasty boo boo on my car. OH and neighbor guy looked at my damages and said she hit my wheel directly and I should have the axle and alignment checked to be sure it's OK. Guess I'll do that. You can see her tire transfer on my aluminum wheel and a broken center 'logo disc' which I hadn't noticed. Phoooooey!
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 04:42 PM

Good afternoon Boomers. wave
Posted by: venus

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 06:11 PM

Hi, everyone. wave Late pop in today. My friend just had her second baby, another girl, so I went to the hospital to see her. rah

Now I'm home to enjoy the rest of my night, as I have to work in the morning. Hope everyone is having a good evening. winter
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 08:00 PM

Afternoon Space wave What is up for you tonight?

Venus, congrats to your friend. Enjoy your night and stay warm puppy
Posted by: Space Quest Fan

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 09:28 PM


A couch and a book. lol
Posted by: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 09:38 PM

My internet has been down more than up so popping in while I can. Friday tomorrow! Yay!
Posted by: looney4labs

Re: Thump - 01/30/14 09:39 PM

Well dinner is dined. Son's food in fridge, kitchen cleaned up, dogs fed, pills taken. Heading up to get me ready for bed and pop myself in with hubby and the dogs and watch Elementary followed by a book. Sweet dreams all sleep