Monday Mourning

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
~~~~~~~~~~~


You know you've joined a pretty cheap health plan when...


Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
~~~~~~~~~


Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee.

TOTAL: $21.00


Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 Beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee

TOTAL: $1,350.00
~~~~~~~


Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association

Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose

The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad

The Tickling Babysitter

A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides

Freddie Kruger's Bedtime Stories

Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Babar Becomes a Piano

Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

David Duke's World of Imagination

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables

Legends of Scab Football

Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina

Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer

Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them

Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse

Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes

The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers

You Were an Accident

Strangers Have the Best Candy

The Little Sissy Who Snitched

Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It

Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

Bi-Curious George

Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

You Are Different and That's Bad

Dad's New Wife Timothy

Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets

Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates

Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie.

By this time tonight I'm sure I will have been mauled by another Monday.

It probably won't take that long. I believe I get off at 1:00.

Hopefully by then my mauling will be complete, and I can come home.

I feel like I'm going in a tanning booth.

Maybe at about 10:00 I should flip over to make sure I'm mauled evenly.

There's nothing like a nice, even, all-over mauling.

That means I need to set an alarm for 10:00, so I can wake up and flip over.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe

Sounds like an early day for you Joe. I hope when you get paroled the day is lovely for some head hunting.

Have an awesome day everyone!

Ana

Good morning Joe,Ana and all who come in later.
Have a great day.

Good morning Joe,Ana,Haroula and all who arrive later We're back in the deep freeze at 16 degrees And a Noreaster on the way Coffee is ready! Enjoy your day everyone

Good Morning Joe,Ana, Haroula and Cailyn. Going to be freezing here too Caily. Hope everyone has a great day!

Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Ana, enjoy whatever the day brings today!

Sue, coffee sounds great! Freezing weather, snow on the way this week. Isn't it great living in New England?

Gerry, have a wonderful day in the cold.

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Will bundle up this morning and dog walk. Hope everyone has a good day!

Good morning everyone. A trip to see the Vampire this morning. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish and Waffles in the NC.

Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a great start to the week

Morning Connie, grabbing a Danish for my walk.

Manxman, have a nice day!

Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Enjoy your Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

Good morning boomies! I'm off to try a new class this morning, still sore from yesterday so it will be good to move around. Then I will go get my dream bike if all goes well.

Haroula, have a great day!

Sue, cold here too, but low twenties. Snow forecast for tonight again too but it shouldn't be much. Stay warm!

Gerry, have a wonderful day!

Gail, enjoy your walk.

Connie, hope the vampire results are good. How is Robert doing?

manxman, have a happy day!

Darlene, happy Monday!

Ana

Magnificent Monday ya'll

It's been an absolutely crazy day here...phone rings....in the middle of that conversation, someone else calls, but when I flash over, nada, nobody there. Try to call back the person who was trying to beep in, nobody answers. It's been happening all morning. Some days I just want to unplug the phone.

Missy Seagy is obviously not feeling well today. She lies in one spot for a few minutes, gets up, moves to a new one, rinse and repeat. She also does not like the boys today...poor Sky can't get near her without earning teeth.

I'm afraid to put Seagy up in the bedroom in case she get sick up there. Maybe I should add some Irish to my coffee It wouldn't make Seagy feel better, but it might calm me down a bit...just kidding.

Ana, on getting your bike. You'll have to post a picture for us.

It's gotten cold here today. I'm waiting on AU to call me back, so most likely won't get out for a walk today. It's usually quite late when they call, but you know if I leave, they will call 30 seconds after I leave the house.

I was up way too late last night finishing my book. Now have to wait for the next installment to be released. Will have to browse for a new one. Son is always telling me I need to read this book or that book, so perhaps I will start on his list.

Overcast again this morning. Warmish, but dreary. I'm assuming the sun will come out soon, but for now, it's oh so sleepy time. Hated to get up.

All outdoorsies fed and accounted for. Interloper (light gray striped male) happilly lounging on my front porch swing waiting for his turn at the food dish. He does not play well with others, but they do leave him some of the wet food so I guess they don't hate him.

Last night the baby raccoons returned. It's a pair. They are both about half grown. No longer fluff balls, but lean, tall, juveniles. They stood side by side daintily taking small handfuls of dry food from the dish. Beautiful but I don't mix with them at all. I stay strictly away.

Someone (a possum or raccoon has taken to digging around all my yard sidewalks and stepping stones looking for grubs. This is the time of year the scarab beetles are huge larvae. Good eats for those who can dig the best. Unfortunately, I have to sweep the dirt off all the surfaces after they get done hunting. All nice and neat and clean now, but wait until tonight.

Solar powered security lights working fantastically in my shed and near the back fence. Perfect. No electricity there so I could never have the proper light. Now I open the shed and tada...let there be light. Awesome!

Off to do absolutely nothing today. Feeling lazy and out of money anyway. Gonna keep eating up and tossing all my food stash. Freezer is empty except for ice cubes and butter. Fridge has flour, cereal, milk, and misc. condiments. Cupboard still has some soup and other canned stuff. Time for a clean start to all the food items. Going shopping when my paycheck comes in. New stuff yummmmm.

Just a quick stop to wish everybody a lovely day!!

Abbi day and then when she heads home I will head out for some fun and play BINGO!!

Joe thanks for the laughs.

Sue thanks for the hot coffee. It was -3 this morning.

Ana enjoy the new class and have fun!

L4l hope Seagy gets feeling better.

Gail have a nice walk!

Sorta have a nice 'do nothing' day!

Connie good luck at the vampires! Thanks for danish!

Darlene may all go smoothly!!


Nan

Sorta, enjoy your day.

Nan, have fun with Abbi and at Bingo....

Good afternoon Boomers.

Afternoon, Space. Did you have a good day so far?

Hey everybody.

I got off of work and came home and headed for the creek with Baby.

I managed to find THIS.

Not a whole one, but nice to know I can still find them where I've already looked a hundred times.

Now I've gotta get tomorrow's diner done and get to bed.

I hope you all had a super day, and have a nice evening.

joe

Great find Joe!

I am back in the corner, the party is over. Great class today, it has left me sore in a good way. I did go buy my new bike today, she's beautiful! I pick it up in the morning after they put the accessories on it I asked for. I'm very excited! Now it really needs to warm up!

I'm here to say good night. I can't keep my eyes open any longer. See you in the morning.

Midgie