Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 04/22/14 01:30 AM
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
Ronnie Shakes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The truths about life, that little children have learnt:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
The great truths about life, that adults have learnt:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Great truths about growing old:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Quips
Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.
When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.
My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.
It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.
During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.
Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of cr--.
My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.
Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!
The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?
Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.
If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.
I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.
An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.
~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's back to work at 6am for me which means I'll be up at the crack of dark, 4:30.
Fun Fun Fun......................................seriously.
At 7:30 I'm rapidly approaching my bed time.
I'm glad I'm still young and can stay up late without it affecting me that much.
Some old people go to bed at like 6:00 in the evening.
Aww that's crazy man.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Ronnie Shakes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The truths about life, that little children have learnt:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
The great truths about life, that adults have learnt:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Great truths about growing old:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Quips
Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.
When one is at home . . . he dreams of adventure.
When one is on an adventure . . . he dreams of home.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Surely, the finest teachers of creativity, persistence,
and unconditional love, are children.
My friend, single handedly, tries to save the economy
every time she goes shopping.
It's not the extreme right or left that will take us
to hell in a hand basket. It's the vast, indifferent middle.
During these colder months it's important to conserve energy.
I try and do my part by laying on the sofa watching TV all day.
Men are like toilets.
Either: Vacant, Engaged or full of cr--.
My husband goes to a female dentist just for the novelty
of hearing a woman tell him to open his mouth.
Scientists report that dieters lost brain cells
as well as body weight. It's a case of think or slim!
The reason why children are so happy is now obvious to me:
they don't have any children of their own to worry about.
Why do they give you a watch when you retire when it's
the first time in your life you really don't care what time it is?
Why do they tell you the temperature at the airport?
Nobody I know lives at the airport.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich.
If all our National holidays were observed on Wednesdays,
we might just wind up with nine-day weekends.
I explained the facts of life to my teenagers tonight.
My insulin keeps me alive; my Prozac keeps them alive.
An argument with my husband tends to make me want to clean something...
With his toothbrush.
~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's back to work at 6am for me which means I'll be up at the crack of dark, 4:30.
Fun Fun Fun......................................seriously.
At 7:30 I'm rapidly approaching my bed time.
I'm glad I'm still young and can stay up late without it affecting me that much.
Some old people go to bed at like 6:00 in the evening.
Aww that's crazy man.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
One project is turned in, just just have to finish the other one. I couldn't sleep last night, so it has been a really long day. 
