Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 07/24/14 05:06 AM
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ), "Technology and the Future" (Clarke's second law)
Tell that to my banker. I keep trying to withdraw a million dollars from my account, and he keeps telling me that's impossible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. Clients were asked for a brief statement describing their particular car accident, and this is what they wrote.
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Letters to Government Agencies
1. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can’t do a thing until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn’t done me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.
(In response to the question, “Why have you applied for public assistance?”) My husband left me last month and I am in need of aass.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Chat & Chew.
I can't say much about the food, but the conversation is great, stimulating, and entertaining!
It's almost like reading a good book every day.
Well maybe not the whole book, but at least a couple of pages.
Anyway..........entertaining.
Not like watching female mud wrestlers, but still pretty entertaining.
You don't even need a DVR to record it. It's always here. Almost always.
I hope you all have an entertaining day.........to tell us about tomorrow.
joe
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ), "Technology and the Future" (Clarke's second law)
Tell that to my banker. I keep trying to withdraw a million dollars from my account, and he keeps telling me that's impossible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company. Clients were asked for a brief statement describing their particular car accident, and this is what they wrote.
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Letters to Government Agencies
1. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can’t do a thing until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn’t done me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.
(In response to the question, “Why have you applied for public assistance?”) My husband left me last month and I am in need of aass.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Joe's Chat & Chew.
I can't say much about the food, but the conversation is great, stimulating, and entertaining!
It's almost like reading a good book every day.
Well maybe not the whole book, but at least a couple of pages.
Anyway..........entertaining.
Not like watching female mud wrestlers, but still pretty entertaining.
You don't even need a DVR to record it. It's always here. Almost always.
I hope you all have an entertaining day.........to tell us about tomorrow.
joe
Good Morning Joe, Haroula, Sue and Reb. Joe enjoy your day - Is it a day off or are you just off! 
Can't wait. Anybody else ordered one? One of the bennies is you get a year of Amazon Prime.
I just picked up and took my pain meds so I am praying they kick in quick. 
