Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 08/02/14 02:50 AM
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan (1934 - 1996)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied
the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the
family that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
. . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.
Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with
tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
(I would have given him 100%)
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10.. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
*Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
You, who worry about democrats versus republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed and they walk among US...
Lord--we need more help than we thought we did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes to enjoy
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Wine does not make you FAT ...- it makes you LEAN .....
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weak-end, which will be immediately followed by a strong front, pushing me back to work for 6 straight days, so tonight I'm gonna party like there's no tomorrow.
Not really, I'm fixing to go to bed.
More and more my bedroom is becoming a 'retreat'.
Don't ask retreat from what.
I see by the old clock on the wall it's time to have my head examined.
Yeah, I'll do that right after I sleep on it.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Carl Sagan (1934 - 1996)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied
the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the
family that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
. . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.
Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with
tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
(I would have given him 100%)
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10.. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
*Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
You, who worry about democrats versus republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.
The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections! They breed and they walk among US...
Lord--we need more help than we thought we did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes to enjoy
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ..
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Wine does not make you FAT ...- it makes you LEAN .....
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weak-end, which will be immediately followed by a strong front, pushing me back to work for 6 straight days, so tonight I'm gonna party like there's no tomorrow.
Not really, I'm fixing to go to bed.
More and more my bedroom is becoming a 'retreat'.
Don't ask retreat from what.
I see by the old clock on the wall it's time to have my head examined.
Yeah, I'll do that right after I sleep on it.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
to the weekend! I'll be gone all day to Indiana. I'll be heading to the Amish festival with my sisters. I needed a day to go away. 
yummy 
