Posted By: gymcandy1
Hump Plaza - 08/06/14 03:58 AM
No matter how old you are, there's always something good to look forward to.
Lynn Johnston (1947 - ), For Better or For Worse, 01-04-04
This quote hit home with me tonight when I'm seriously doubting that sentiment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Safeway store. The husband picks up a box of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them!' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of beer, and it's half the price.'
He didn't have time to duck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother
one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom
while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a
boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my
TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to
get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started
hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he
hurried to open the door and there stood
Grandma's minister. The minister said,
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the
bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandmas:
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. 'Why' my Grandson asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly and said to him, "all Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
Fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling my roadside service provider is not an option... I WILL win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed
and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do.
So, for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu. For all
I know, they are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.... Though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
And, if you're feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too... either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it.
Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden
with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.
(This has been a public service message for women
to better understand men, they may never, but they should try)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Skoo-be-doo-be-doo-be and good morning to you-be-doo-be-doo-be ever body.
A nuther glorious day has arrived.
I wonder what it will hold in store..............or,............ how long I'll be held in the store.
I'm thinking "ah".....
...., 1 minus 10 equals minus -9 or 9 hours out of my life. 
I know that sounds kind of negative, but I say "nooooo".
I think it's positively disgusting.
On that happy note I'll wish you all a positively happy day.
joe
Lynn Johnston (1947 - ), For Better or For Worse, 01-04-04
This quote hit home with me tonight when I'm seriously doubting that sentiment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Safeway store. The husband picks up a box of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them!' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the cart.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does a case of beer, and it's half the price.'
He didn't have time to duck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother
one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom
while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a
boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my
TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to
get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started
hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he
hurried to open the door and there stood
Grandma's minister. The minister said,
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the
bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grandmas:
I was out walking with my Grandson. He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. 'Why' my Grandson asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?? You are so smart." I was thinking quickly and said to him, "all Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh....I get it! he beamed, So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". 'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
Fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling my roadside service provider is not an option... I WILL win.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed
and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do.
So, for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find things like exotic cheeses or tofu. For all
I know, they are the same thing.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.... Though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports, or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
And, if you're feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly
remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too... either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it.
Everything looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2011, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden
with a beer in my hand, wondering what to do.
(This has been a public service message for women
to better understand men, they may never, but they should try)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Skoo-be-doo-be-doo-be and good morning to you-be-doo-be-doo-be ever body.
A nuther glorious day has arrived.
I wonder what it will hold in store..............or,............ how long I'll be held in the store.
I'm thinking "ah".....
...., 1 minus 10 equals minus -9 or 9 hours out of my life. I know that sounds kind of negative, but I say "nooooo".
I think it's positively disgusting.
On that happy note I'll wish you all a positively happy day.
joe
How many days until your next day off? 
