Posted By: gymcandy1
Trip The Light Fantastic Monday - 08/25/14 05:33 AM
When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others.
Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY LAST TRIP TO WALMART
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one quarter."
"One quarter?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realize that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn't say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you idiot."
~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's my weekend off.
I think I'm going to enjoy this one.
No wait. It's going to be really hot.
Never mind, Not gonna to enjoy it. Not one bit.
Wait a minute.........
......my sister's working. I may have some fun yet. 
IF she leaves her room unlocked that is.
I hope you all find a way to enjoy your day.
joe
Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY LAST TRIP TO WALMART
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Author unknown
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one quarter."
"One quarter?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"
"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be one dollar."
"One dollar?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realize that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign. "There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I'm getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn't say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says:
"Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."
John inscribes the words in his heart.
At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say.
'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? "
"I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."
The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says:
"You are standing on my oxygen hose, you idiot."
~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's my weekend off.
I think I'm going to enjoy this one.
No wait. It's going to be really hot.
Never mind, Not gonna to enjoy it. Not one bit.
Wait a minute.........
......my sister's working. I may have some fun yet. IF she leaves her room unlocked that is.
I hope you all find a way to enjoy your day.
joe
I'm off tomorrow, and I think I may just stay in and game. 
Enjoy your Monday.
So good to see you in the Diner, Karen! 
