Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 09/11/14 06:13 AM
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are four tourists from India who are visiting London. They go to see the Big Ben. They all climb up the tower and decide to throw their wrist watches from the top, then hurry down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist, Amar, threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken four steps.
The second tourist, Vinod, threw his watch and had hardly taken three before when he heard his watch shatter.
The third tourist, Harry, threw his watch and by the time he had taken two steps, the watch hit the ground.
The fourth tourist, Santa Singh, threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a cup of coffee from a shop down the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How on earth did you do that?" asked all his friends.
"Simple", Santa Singh replied, "My watch is slow by 30 minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between a Pit Bull and a Pathologist?
A: A Pit bull lets go when you're dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Singh from India who was touring the United States, decided to take a cruise. He found himself seated in front of a Frenchman in the ship's dining room. Mr. Singh could speak neither French nor English, and the French guy had no knowledge of Hindi or Punjabi languages.
The Frenchman bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"
Mr. Singh was confused, but he bowed back and replied "Singh."
For the next couple of days, the same routine followed at every meal.
One day, a fellow passenger took Mr. Singh aside and said to him, "Listen, the Frenchman is not telling you his name. When he says 'Bon appétit!', it simply means 'Good Appetite'."
During the next meal, a confident Mr. Singh, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!".
And the Frenchman, smiling back, replied: "Singh!"
~~~~~
Michael was a victim of his imagination and suffered from diseases that did not exist. One day, he staggered into the house bent forward, looking for a chair, and still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.
While struggling to breathe, he said "Jane, it has hit me at last. It came without a warning. All of a sudden I found I could not straighten up. I can't even raise my head."
When the doctor came to see Michael, his wife asked the doctor, "Will he survive?"
"Well" the doctor said, "it certainly would be a great help if he will unhitch the second buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jerry dies in a car accident and goes straight to hell to suffer eternally at the hands of the devil. As he passes deadly pits and screaming sinners, he saw a man getting cozy with a beautiful lady. He recognized the man - he was a cunning lawyer who had died a couple of years ago.
"This is not fair!" Jerry exclaims. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer is having fun with a beautiful woman."
"Be quiet!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A waiter goes to a corner table where three old ladies were having their dinner and asks, "Is ANYTHING okay?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty inflexible Rules in the office
1. Never challenge the boss. He is always right.
2. If the Boss is mistaken, see rule # 1.
3. Those who work hard always get more work. Others enjoy pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. denotes "Pull Him Down". The more capable, hardworking and dedicated you are, the more number of people will be involved in pulling you down.
5. If you are good, you will get a lot of work. If you are very good, you will get out of it.
6. When the Boss talks about improving productivity, he never includes his own self.
7. What you do in not important, what matters is what you say you have done and what you will be doing.
8. A pat on the back is only inches away from a kick in the behind.
9. Don't be indispensable. If you cannot be dispensed with, you cannot be promoted.
10. The more [blip] you take, the more you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a [blip] fool about it.
12. When you don't know what is to be done, walk fast and look concerned.
13. You cannot get work done by following rules.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
15. A lot can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
16. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are meant to be doing.
18. It is not essential to know your job in order to get promoted.
19. You only need to pretend that you know your job to get promoted.
20. All the blame for any situation can be put on the last person who resigned or was fired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I am having so much trouble keeping my peepers open.
Ok I went and ate a popsickle. That woke me up.
Actually I'm just as tired, but I'm more aware.
Whut??
How long it will last is anybody's guess.
Anybody?....
My body just keeps whispering to me, "You could be sleeping right now." "Why are you still up?"
Question: When does a person fall without harming their self?
Answer: When they fall asleep.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are four tourists from India who are visiting London. They go to see the Big Ben. They all climb up the tower and decide to throw their wrist watches from the top, then hurry down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist, Amar, threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken four steps.
The second tourist, Vinod, threw his watch and had hardly taken three before when he heard his watch shatter.
The third tourist, Harry, threw his watch and by the time he had taken two steps, the watch hit the ground.
The fourth tourist, Santa Singh, threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a cup of coffee from a shop down the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How on earth did you do that?" asked all his friends.
"Simple", Santa Singh replied, "My watch is slow by 30 minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between a Pit Bull and a Pathologist?
A: A Pit bull lets go when you're dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr. Singh from India who was touring the United States, decided to take a cruise. He found himself seated in front of a Frenchman in the ship's dining room. Mr. Singh could speak neither French nor English, and the French guy had no knowledge of Hindi or Punjabi languages.
The Frenchman bowed and said, "Bon appétit!"
Mr. Singh was confused, but he bowed back and replied "Singh."
For the next couple of days, the same routine followed at every meal.
One day, a fellow passenger took Mr. Singh aside and said to him, "Listen, the Frenchman is not telling you his name. When he says 'Bon appétit!', it simply means 'Good Appetite'."
During the next meal, a confident Mr. Singh, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!".
And the Frenchman, smiling back, replied: "Singh!"
~~~~~
Michael was a victim of his imagination and suffered from diseases that did not exist. One day, he staggered into the house bent forward, looking for a chair, and still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it.
While struggling to breathe, he said "Jane, it has hit me at last. It came without a warning. All of a sudden I found I could not straighten up. I can't even raise my head."
When the doctor came to see Michael, his wife asked the doctor, "Will he survive?"
"Well" the doctor said, "it certainly would be a great help if he will unhitch the second buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jerry dies in a car accident and goes straight to hell to suffer eternally at the hands of the devil. As he passes deadly pits and screaming sinners, he saw a man getting cozy with a beautiful lady. He recognized the man - he was a cunning lawyer who had died a couple of years ago.
"This is not fair!" Jerry exclaims. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer is having fun with a beautiful woman."
"Be quiet!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A waiter goes to a corner table where three old ladies were having their dinner and asks, "Is ANYTHING okay?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty inflexible Rules in the office
1. Never challenge the boss. He is always right.
2. If the Boss is mistaken, see rule # 1.
3. Those who work hard always get more work. Others enjoy pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. denotes "Pull Him Down". The more capable, hardworking and dedicated you are, the more number of people will be involved in pulling you down.
5. If you are good, you will get a lot of work. If you are very good, you will get out of it.
6. When the Boss talks about improving productivity, he never includes his own self.
7. What you do in not important, what matters is what you say you have done and what you will be doing.
8. A pat on the back is only inches away from a kick in the behind.
9. Don't be indispensable. If you cannot be dispensed with, you cannot be promoted.
10. The more [blip] you take, the more you are going to get.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a [blip] fool about it.
12. When you don't know what is to be done, walk fast and look concerned.
13. You cannot get work done by following rules.
14. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
15. A lot can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
16. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.
17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are meant to be doing.
18. It is not essential to know your job in order to get promoted.
19. You only need to pretend that you know your job to get promoted.
20. All the blame for any situation can be put on the last person who resigned or was fired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I am having so much trouble keeping my peepers open.
Ok I went and ate a popsickle. That woke me up.
Actually I'm just as tired, but I'm more aware.
Whut??How long it will last is anybody's guess.
Anybody?....
My body just keeps whispering to me, "You could be sleeping right now." "Why are you still up?"Question: When does a person fall without harming their self?
Answer: When they fall asleep.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
to you!!
Have a lovely day!
I bought the entire stock on the shelves. Only about 5-10 packages at each store but I'm stocking up.