Posted By: gymcandy1
Thump Day - 09/18/14 05:09 AM
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior Princess@companyname.com
or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with,'That's what you think.'
11) Finish all your sentences with:'In accordance with the prophecy.'
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation.
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are and laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 999 and ask if 999 is for emergencies.(don't do this!)
24) Call the physic hot line and don't say anything.
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, 'I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!'
27) When leaving the zoo,start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run for your lives,they're loose!'
28) Tell your boss, 'It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.'
29) Tell your children over dinner.'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
30) Every time you see a broom, yell 'Honey, your mother is here!'
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
31) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
~~~~~~~~
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
~~~~~~~~
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
~~~~~~~~~
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
~~~~~~~~~
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
~~~
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
~~~~~~~
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A devout, good couple were about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union.
He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
{Yay!! I have 2,968 more times.}
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out. (I gotta try that on my sister)
You should see her head turn around backwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
We have someone coming to 'view' the house today, so I'll be spending most of my time inside getting things cleaned up and perfect...ish.
One of my brothers will be down today, and the other of my two older brothers will be down tomorrow, so we can get some more repairs done.
It's about time I had some help. I'm telling you there's nothing left of my behind after yesterday.
"Big in the butt like Jabba the Hutt" is not a phrase that was ever said about me.
Did I say that out loud??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
George Carlin (1937 - 2008)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-Warrior Princess@companyname.com
or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it.
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with,'That's what you think.'
11) Finish all your sentences with:'In accordance with the prophecy.'
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation.
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are and laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 999 and ask if 999 is for emergencies.(don't do this!)
24) Call the physic hot line and don't say anything.
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, 'I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!'
27) When leaving the zoo,start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run for your lives,they're loose!'
28) Tell your boss, 'It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.'
29) Tell your children over dinner.'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
30) Every time you see a broom, yell 'Honey, your mother is here!'
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
31) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
~~~~~~~~
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
~~~~~~~~
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
~~~~~~~~~
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.
~~~~~~~~~
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real.
~~~
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
~~~~~~~
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
~~~~~~~~~
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A devout, good couple were about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union.
He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer."
~~~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE KNOWN FACTS
Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
{Yay!! I have 2,968 more times.}
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out. (I gotta try that on my sister)
You should see her head turn around backwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
We have someone coming to 'view' the house today, so I'll be spending most of my time inside getting things cleaned up and perfect...ish.
One of my brothers will be down today, and the other of my two older brothers will be down tomorrow, so we can get some more repairs done.
It's about time I had some help. I'm telling you there's nothing left of my behind after yesterday.
"Big in the butt like Jabba the Hutt" is not a phrase that was ever said about me.
Did I say that out loud??
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
I think once I'm officially on my own, I'll always start really early so I'll have the rest of my afternoon to practice and do other things. 
That is if I ever get my assignment, of course. 
