Posted By: gymcandy1
Marvelous Monday - 10/20/14 05:07 AM
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen (1935 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a [blip], and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.
The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"
"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two new prisoners were shown to their cell.
"How long are you in for?" asked the first.
"Eighteen years," replied the second. "How about you?"
"Twenty-five years. So since your getting out first, you'd better have the bed by the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
~~~~~~~~~~
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I had a super work day, and since I was working I taped th Cowboy ball game which I'm watching right now. I saw it ran over 4 hours long, so I'm thinking it must have gone into overtime, which means it was a close game.
The great thing about taping the game is that I can skip all the commercials and cut that 4 hours in half almost.
So the game is at half time now and tied 14 to 14.
I was not even sure I would have a computer to get on line with. This morning before I went to work I was playing a game and my computer just went black. It started freezing in the game and then the screen went black and the power light went off. Then it came back on and went off off again for longer. Then it came on again and went off again, and I didn't think I was going to get it back. It was probably 30 or 40 minutes before I got it to come back on.
With all that in mind I'm gonna get this posted, and enjoy the rest of the game, then and get to bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Woody Allen (1935 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a [blip], and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
~~~~~~~~~~~
Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.
The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"
"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two new prisoners were shown to their cell.
"How long are you in for?" asked the first.
"Eighteen years," replied the second. "How about you?"
"Twenty-five years. So since your getting out first, you'd better have the bed by the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
~~~~~~~~~~
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I had a super work day, and since I was working I taped th Cowboy ball game which I'm watching right now. I saw it ran over 4 hours long, so I'm thinking it must have gone into overtime, which means it was a close game.
The great thing about taping the game is that I can skip all the commercials and cut that 4 hours in half almost.
So the game is at half time now and tied 14 to 14.
I was not even sure I would have a computer to get on line with. This morning before I went to work I was playing a game and my computer just went black. It started freezing in the game and then the screen went black and the power light went off. Then it came back on and went off off again for longer. Then it came on again and went off again, and I didn't think I was going to get it back. It was probably 30 or 40 minutes before I got it to come back on.
With all that in mind I'm gonna get this posted, and enjoy the rest of the game, then and get to bed.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Oh well, it could be worse. 
I hope you all had a great day. I had PT this afternoon, it was not great, but I better get used to it. 