Posted By: gymcandy1
Sip & Surf Sunday - 11/09/14 02:55 AM
If you wish success in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother and hope your guardian genius.
Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.
The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.
They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."
The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"
The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.
The father explained, No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.
So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.
Furious, the mother shouted, Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I am just three more days away from a week off.
That's the good news.
We've been having gorgeous weather the last few days, while I've had to work, and waiting for my week off to move the big stuff.
Well the wind turned the other way, and a nasty front in on the way, bringing 30s and 40s with it for my week off.
I don't share the penguin's enthusiasm.
No fireplace in the new house either.
No worries. I have a warm cuddley puppy dog to sleep with.
She's worthless as a furniture mover though.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Joseph Addison (1672 - 1719)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.
The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.
They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."
The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"
The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.
Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.
"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.
His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"
Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."
The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.
The father explained, No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman.
So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.
Furious, the mother shouted, Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I am just three more days away from a week off.
That's the good news.
We've been having gorgeous weather the last few days, while I've had to work, and waiting for my week off to move the big stuff.
Well the wind turned the other way, and a nasty front in on the way, bringing 30s and 40s with it for my week off.
I don't share the penguin's enthusiasm.
No fireplace in the new house either.
No worries. I have a warm cuddley puppy dog to sleep with.
She's worthless as a furniture mover though.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Hope you have a great Sunday.
Have a lovely day!
