Posted By: gymcandy1
Tuesday's - 11/25/14 12:39 AM
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
~~~~~~~~~~
An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread," came the reply.
So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply.
So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply once again.
The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old Jew replied, "It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
~~~~~~~~~
A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other "dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a beautiful morning.
Well, I think it might be.
It's dark, but I'm sure it's a nice day.
What-ever! I get off at 3:00 today, and I guarantee it'll be a nice day then.
It may be pathetic, but I'm starting to like it getting dark at 5:30, or 6:00. "It's dark out? BED TIME!!!"
I enjoy the bedroom better than any other room in the house.
Yep.........pathetic.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Rita Rudner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
~~~~~~~~~~
An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread."
So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread," came the reply.
So the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asked. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply.
So...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. "Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread," came the reply once again.
The manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old Jew replied, "It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
~~~~~~~~~
A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other "dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~~
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"
~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a beautiful morning.
Well, I think it might be.
It's dark, but I'm sure it's a nice day.
What-ever! I get off at 3:00 today, and I guarantee it'll be a nice day then.
It may be pathetic, but I'm starting to like it getting dark at 5:30, or 6:00. "It's dark out? BED TIME!!!"
I enjoy the bedroom better than any other room in the house.
Yep.........pathetic.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Hi SpaceQurst 
Still mild weather here but snow on the way Wed. 
Coffee is on!! wishing you all a great day 
Oh, well, I figured that was coming. At least I'll have a good amount of hours.
Tomorrow I have to pick up some contact lenses. The ones I'm wearing aren't quite right. I'll see if the new ones are right. Then to the chiropractors for an adjustment. I hope you all have a good day tomorrow. We're expecting rain but the west people are gonna get about 6 inches of snow.