Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Mourning & Moaning - 12/01/14 12:07 AM
A person has three choices in life. You can swim against the tide and get exhausted, or you can tread water and let the tide sweep you away, or you can swim with the tide, and let it take you where it wants you to go.
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Northern Lights, 1993
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."
~~~~~~~~~
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's [blip] slippery out there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
~~~~~~~~~
These are actual warnings given on various products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO (continued below)
advertisement
In which movie does D.L. Hughley costar with Morris Chestnut?
The Brothers
Chasing Papi
Scary Movie 3
ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I think I was off yesterday, but it went by so fast I'm not positive about it.
I managed to do some laundry, clean house, go to Walmart for groceries, and I bought a new comforter set.
Now it's back to the Land of the Lost for four more days. Whoopee!
Starting at 5:00am. You know what that means, right?
I'm off to get ready for bed. Hey I got new bedding to sleep on.
Have a happee dey everyone.
joe
I know I know, but look: Hey = H+E+Y
sooooo..........................Day = D+E+Y
As in; "Back in my hey dey I was a strapping young lad.
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Northern Lights, 1993
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."
~~~~~~~~~
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's [blip] slippery out there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.
About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.
Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"
The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
~~~~~~~~~
These are actual warnings given on various products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO (continued below)
advertisement
In which movie does D.L. Hughley costar with Morris Chestnut?
The Brothers
Chasing Papi
Scary Movie 3
ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I think I was off yesterday, but it went by so fast I'm not positive about it.
I managed to do some laundry, clean house, go to Walmart for groceries, and I bought a new comforter set.
Now it's back to the Land of the Lost for four more days. Whoopee!
Starting at 5:00am. You know what that means, right?
I'm off to get ready for bed. Hey I got new bedding to sleep on.
Have a happee dey everyone.
joe
I know I know, but look: Hey = H+E+Y
sooooo..........................Day = D+E+Y
As in; "Back in my hey dey I was a strapping young lad.
Putting the coffee on wishing everyone a grand day! 
