Posted By: gymcandy1
Saturdiner - 12/06/14 12:55 AM
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
Dave Barry (1947 - ), "The Taming of the Screw"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
~~~~~~~~~~
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,"I need to get up and get a beer".
"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you".
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? I mean, you spit in my shoes.....I pee in your beer, and where does it lead us? It's got to end."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received
an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
~~~~~~~~~~~
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the toilet?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it! DO NOT FLUSH!!!"
~~~~~~~~~
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I cant swim, you moron! I'm drowning."
~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Birthdays are great, and like days off, the more the better, but all good things must come to an end.
Thanks again for all the birthday wishes everyone, and thanks Ana for the diner day off.
I clock in at Dawn of the Living Dead tomorrow at 6am, and you know what that means.
Early to bed and early to rise make Joe a grumpy wise guy.
Such is life.
Have a happy day everyone, and one more thing.
WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND!!
joe
Dave Barry (1947 - ), "The Taming of the Screw"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
~~~~~~~~~~
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,"I need to get up and get a beer".
"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you".
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? I mean, you spit in my shoes.....I pee in your beer, and where does it lead us? It's got to end."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible
for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received
an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
~~~~~~~~~~~
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas." Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the toilet?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it! DO NOT FLUSH!!!"
~~~~~~~~~
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I cant swim, you moron! I'm drowning."
~~~~~~~~~
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this!"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Birthdays are great, and like days off, the more the better, but all good things must come to an end.
Thanks again for all the birthday wishes everyone, and thanks Ana for the diner day off.
I clock in at Dawn of the Living Dead tomorrow at 6am, and you know what that means.
Early to bed and early to rise make Joe a grumpy wise guy.
Such is life.
Have a happy day everyone, and one more thing.
WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND!!
joe
The coffee is on! Happy Saturday everyone!! 
Congrats Karen!
He also wants some cold weather, but at the moment it's nearly 70. I'm fine with the warmth. It will get cold eventually. 
Yankee, I know the names of the neighbor hood dogs, but not usually the people 