Posted By: gymcandy1
TGIF - 12/19/14 02:59 AM
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters."
"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning, a Black guy, a Jewish guy, a Mexican, and a regular white guy were sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. While stretching his legs, the black guy accidentally kicks an old lamp that was laying on the sidewalk. Suddenly they were enveloped in smoke and from it emerged a huge genie.
"Gentlemen," says the genie in a big, booming voice, "today is your lucky day. I've been stuck in that lamp for a thousand years. I will now grant each of you a wish. The Black gentleman first since he was the one who actually freed me."
"Any wish?" the Black guy asks.
"Anything you wish gentlemen. Vast amounts of wealth, happiness, your life's aspirations, anything," replies the genie.
"You know, Mr. Genie, says the Black guy, we've been in this country for 500 years, and still there's discrimination, prejudice, no matter how hard we work. So I want me and all Black people to be sent back to Africa. Then, we can be among'st ourselves, just live off the land, and be happy."
Poof! All Black people are in Africa.
The genie looks at the Jewish guy and says, "and you sir."
"I've thought very hard about this, says the Jewish guy. "My people thought this was our new Promise Land. Instead we're still hated and bigotry is still very strong after all these years. Therefore, I want you to deliver my people back to Israel. There we can be among'st ourselves, live off the land, and be happy."
Poof! All Jews are in Israel.
"How about you senor," booms the genie to the Mexican.
"Senor Genie, says the Mexican, we do all the hard, unwanted jobs in this country. As a result of this hard work, we are despised, laughed at, and disrespected. So please, can you bring us all back to Mexico? So we can be among'st ourselves, just live off the land, and be happy."
Poof! And all Mexicans are in Mexico.
"And now you sir," the genie turns to the white guy, "what will be your pleasure today?"
"Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that all Blacks are back in Africa, all Jews are in Israel, and all Mexicans went back to Mexico?" inquires the white guy, slightly trembling with anticipation.
"Yup! You are correct sir," the genie replies.
"In that case," said the white guy, grinning happily, tears of joy streaming down his face, "may I please have a Diet Pepsi?"
..
That joke was just stupid!!
Anyone in their right mind would have ordered Coke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two girls were hired to clean a big house.
The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off.
They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell.
"Who is it?", one of the asked.
"It's a blind-man", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were.
They opened the door, and the man said: "Hi, nice [blip]! where do you want the blinds?"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''
~~~~~~~
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish-man finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out.
"You have three whishes", the genie says.
The Irish-man thinks for a little while, and then he says: "i would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much i drink from it, it will never empty".
Immediately after finishing his sentence, a bottle of great whisky falls into the Irishman's hand.
He starts drinking it, taking one big gulp after another.
But then, after finishing drinking, he finds that the bottle is still completely full.
"Well, what are your next two wishes?", asks the genie.
"I would like two more bottles just like that one!", answers the Irish-man.
..
Yeah don't wish for 10 bottles to begin with.
Sounds like my sister.
~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"That was 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's Friday, and that makes this....
...the 18th day of Christmas.
I wonder what my true love will give to me today.
No no wait, it's December, the 18th day of December.
It's been so foggy lately that some of it went in my ear, and settled in my brain.
It's like having perpetual brain freeze.
I'm misty-eyed all the time.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
~~~~~~~~~~~
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters."
"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning, a Black guy, a Jewish guy, a Mexican, and a regular white guy were sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. While stretching his legs, the black guy accidentally kicks an old lamp that was laying on the sidewalk. Suddenly they were enveloped in smoke and from it emerged a huge genie.
"Gentlemen," says the genie in a big, booming voice, "today is your lucky day. I've been stuck in that lamp for a thousand years. I will now grant each of you a wish. The Black gentleman first since he was the one who actually freed me."
"Any wish?" the Black guy asks.
"Anything you wish gentlemen. Vast amounts of wealth, happiness, your life's aspirations, anything," replies the genie.
"You know, Mr. Genie, says the Black guy, we've been in this country for 500 years, and still there's discrimination, prejudice, no matter how hard we work. So I want me and all Black people to be sent back to Africa. Then, we can be among'st ourselves, just live off the land, and be happy."
Poof! All Black people are in Africa.
The genie looks at the Jewish guy and says, "and you sir."
"I've thought very hard about this, says the Jewish guy. "My people thought this was our new Promise Land. Instead we're still hated and bigotry is still very strong after all these years. Therefore, I want you to deliver my people back to Israel. There we can be among'st ourselves, live off the land, and be happy."
Poof! All Jews are in Israel.
"How about you senor," booms the genie to the Mexican.
"Senor Genie, says the Mexican, we do all the hard, unwanted jobs in this country. As a result of this hard work, we are despised, laughed at, and disrespected. So please, can you bring us all back to Mexico? So we can be among'st ourselves, just live off the land, and be happy."
Poof! And all Mexicans are in Mexico.
"And now you sir," the genie turns to the white guy, "what will be your pleasure today?"
"Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that all Blacks are back in Africa, all Jews are in Israel, and all Mexicans went back to Mexico?" inquires the white guy, slightly trembling with anticipation.
"Yup! You are correct sir," the genie replies.
"In that case," said the white guy, grinning happily, tears of joy streaming down his face, "may I please have a Diet Pepsi?"
..
That joke was just stupid!!
Anyone in their right mind would have ordered Coke.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two girls were hired to clean a big house.
The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off.
They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell.
"Who is it?", one of the asked.
"It's a blind-man", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were.
They opened the door, and the man said: "Hi, nice [blip]! where do you want the blinds?"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''
~~~~~~~
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this stuff?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish-man finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out.
"You have three whishes", the genie says.
The Irish-man thinks for a little while, and then he says: "i would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much i drink from it, it will never empty".
Immediately after finishing his sentence, a bottle of great whisky falls into the Irishman's hand.
He starts drinking it, taking one big gulp after another.
But then, after finishing drinking, he finds that the bottle is still completely full.
"Well, what are your next two wishes?", asks the genie.
"I would like two more bottles just like that one!", answers the Irish-man.
..
Yeah don't wish for 10 bottles to begin with.
Sounds like my sister.
~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"That was 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
It's Friday, and that makes this....
...the 18th day of Christmas. I wonder what my true love will give to me today.
No no wait, it's December, the 18th day of December.
It's been so foggy lately that some of it went in my ear, and settled in my brain.
It's like having perpetual brain freeze.
I'm misty-eyed all the time.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Great TGIF. Danish, Omelets, and BB Pancakes in the NC. 
