Posted By: gymcandy1
Totally Tubular Tuesday - 12/23/14 01:22 AM
Believe nothing against another but on good authority; and never report what may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to some other to conceal it.
William Penn (1644 - 1718)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they discovered that their ball point pens would
not work in zero gravity.
To overcome this small problem, NASA scientists
spent three years and $7 million to develop a pen
that would write in zero gravity, upside down, on
almost any surface and at any temperature.
(guess that's why the Russians used a pencil)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk, staggering down main street, somehow
manages to make it into a cathedral.
A priest watched him, as he crashed from pew to
pew, finally making his way into the confessional.
The priest, thinking the man needs his assistance,
proceeds to his side of the confessional.
His attention was rewarded with a lengthy silence,
followed by bodily gas being released.
The priest, battling extreme stench, finally asks...
"may I help you, my son?"
"Dunno"...came a slurred voice from the other side
..."you got any toilet paper?"
~~~~~~~
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
~~~~~~~~~~~
If...
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!
~~~~~~~~~~~
30 Years Difference
What a difference 30 years makes:
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: The perfect high
2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Popping pills, smoking joints
2003: Popping joints
1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Taking acid
2003: Taking antacid
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What men and women say and what they really mean:
What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
What a man says, what he really means...
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
- You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm super late tonight. Gotta get going.
It was a fantastic day here. When I got home, I propped the front door open so the cat could go in and out, and I took Baby for a walk.
I have another 5 to 2 Tuesday, and the same Wednesday, and then I am off Thur, Fri, Sat, and Sun.
I'm also off for 16 days in January.
Gotta get to bed. Have a happy day everyone.
joe
William Penn (1644 - 1718)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they discovered that their ball point pens would
not work in zero gravity.
To overcome this small problem, NASA scientists
spent three years and $7 million to develop a pen
that would write in zero gravity, upside down, on
almost any surface and at any temperature.
(guess that's why the Russians used a pencil)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunk, staggering down main street, somehow
manages to make it into a cathedral.
A priest watched him, as he crashed from pew to
pew, finally making his way into the confessional.
The priest, thinking the man needs his assistance,
proceeds to his side of the confessional.
His attention was rewarded with a lengthy silence,
followed by bodily gas being released.
The priest, battling extreme stench, finally asks...
"may I help you, my son?"
"Dunno"...came a slurred voice from the other side
..."you got any toilet paper?"
~~~~~~~
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
~~~~~~~~~~~
If...
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!
~~~~~~~~~~~
30 Years Difference
What a difference 30 years makes:
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: The perfect high
2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1973: KEG
2003: EKG
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Popping pills, smoking joints
2003: Popping joints
1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Taking acid
2003: Taking antacid
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What men and women say and what they really mean:
What a woman says, what she really means...
- I need = I want
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
- I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
- I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
What a man says, what he really means...
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
- You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
- Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
- I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm super late tonight. Gotta get going.
It was a fantastic day here. When I got home, I propped the front door open so the cat could go in and out, and I took Baby for a walk.
I have another 5 to 2 Tuesday, and the same Wednesday, and then I am off Thur, Fri, Sat, and Sun.
I'm also off for 16 days in January.
Gotta get to bed. Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Enjoy all your time off! 
Glad you are starting to feel better! 
Joe you deserve all those days off 
L4L, Birthday Cupcakes in the NC. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, Bacon and Eggs, and BB Pancakes in the NC. 
to all my good friends here on GB. Hugs to all.
